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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141144">home /// c.h.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/5saucespunkrock/pseuds/5saucespunkrock'>5saucespunkrock</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band), calum hood - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, 5SOS - Freeform, Calum Hood - Freeform, F/M, Sequel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:54:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>36,193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/5saucespunkrock/pseuds/5saucespunkrock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>i just thought our forever would last a little longer.</p><p> </p><p>[sequel to "reckless"]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>       i look down at my phone, debating what to do. before i can even press the button to call her, Skylar enters our apartment.</p><p>       —sorry, but i have to go because a client needs me. he's about to lose the house so i'm going to Melbourne for like a week —she says, grabbing a suitcase from beneath the bed and starts packing some things.</p><p>       she's a very well-known layer, while i'm a simple guy who works at a music store.</p><p>       —oh, okay, well i'm sure you're gonna win the case. as always —i say, making her smile.</p><p>       she walks towards me, dressed in a tight black skirt and a white blouse.</p><p>       —thank you, babe —she says, leaving a kiss on my lips sweetly—. well, gotta go now, because i don't wanna miss my flight.</p><p>       —you got this —i say and she smiles, leaving another kiss on my lips—. go! don't miss that plane! —i say and she nods, walking out of the door and shutting it behind her.</p><p>       i sit on the couch and throw my phone on the coffee table, the screen turned on and flashing the contact with the name <em>baby.</em></p><p>       and no, it's not Skylar.</p><p>       it's still <em>her. </em>i know i should've changed it by now. i have a girlfriend, but i can't bring myself to do it. it's perfect that way. i can't touch it.</p><p>       —okay, Skylar is out of town, we're going to the strip club for your stag night —Michael says, the door opening wide as he walks in.</p><p>       —no, we're not, Mike. we already had three stag nights —i remind him, leaning back in the couch.</p><p>       —doesn't matter. let's have the fourth one! —he excitedly says, but i shake my head.</p><p>       my gaze drifts towards my phone and when he notices, he shakes his head.</p><p>       —dude, no. you're not planning on calling her, are you? —he warns and i just stay quiet—. Calum, man, no exes to weddings. that's the golden rule —he says, but i shake my head.</p><p>       —i just- —i start, but i stop, not knowing what to say—. i need to see her, i need to hear her voice. i just need her —i say with a very low voice.</p><p>       i need to hear her voice. just once more. just one more time before i finally have to let her go.</p><p>       —dude, you're getting married in four weeks! —he yells.</p><p>       —don't you think i already know that?! —i scream back, standing up from the couch—. you don't get it —i mumble.</p><p>       —no! i don't! you're getting married and you're thinking about your ex! —he yells, his voice not as loud as before.</p><p>       —i know that! but as every day that passes by, i think more about her. i want her to be there. i know it's weird, i know i shouldn't even invite her, but you don't understand how much i need to hear her voice —i say, sitting down once again.</p><p>       —man, i know you loved her a lot —Mike starts, also sitting down in the couch next to me.</p><p>       <em>loved.</em></p><p>       yeah, sure.</p><p>       —i know you thought she was the one —he continues.</p><p>       <em>thought.</em></p><p>       yeah, sure.</p><p>       —but it's been three years, you're getting married. you need to start moving on, because life doesn't stop for anybody and you're stuck in one place while everything else carries on. you're gonna start a family and settle down and you need to be ready for that —he says and i nod, even though i know i'm not moving on.</p><p>       you don't move on from someone like that.</p><p>       i still love her. i never stopped.</p><p>       —i'm going for a walk —i simply say, grabbing my phone from the coffee table and standing up.</p><p>       i walk out of the apartment and start to walk around the streets of Sydney, the place i grew up in.</p><p>       before i can even process things, my thumb presses the call button and i bring the phone up to my ear. at the last ring, she picks it up, but stays quiet. i hear her breathe in and out slowly and i look down not knowing where to start. i sit down in a bench when i get to the park.</p><p>       —hi —i mumble.</p><p>       —hi —she whispers back, a smile growing on my face when i hear her voice.</p><p>       i feel like i'm about to cry. god, it's been so long and i've missed her so fucking much it hurts.</p><p>       —how are you doing? —i quietly ask, looking down at my lap.</p><p>       —i'm good. how about you? —she answers.</p><p>       i close my eyes slowly, a tear rolling down my cheek and i don't know why.</p><p>       i miss her. i miss dancing around the kitchen in our apartment in Paris, i miss watching silly cartoons and joking around, and laughing, and having food fights, and cuddling, and making love, and stealing vodka from stores, and breaking into pools, and going skinny dipping, and kissing in motel kitchens, and eating strawberries with chocolate at the top of a hill. i miss hearing her laugh every single day and seeing her smile. i miss kissing her. i just miss every single thing about her.</p><p>       and as i stay quiet, i go through every single one of the days we spent together. every day with her was the best day ever and every night before falling asleep, i knew that the next day would be even better, that the next day would be my new favorite day. because i had her.</p><p>       that should've lasted forever.</p><p>       i guess that, simply, it was meant be, but it wasn't meant to last, because let's be honest, a love like that doesn't last forever.</p><p>       but god how i wished it did.</p><p>       i would've loved marrying her, and travelling the world with her until we both died, and just falling in love with her all over again every single fucking day for the rest of my life.</p><p>       i had her. i had everything.</p><p>       but it all went so wrong, so fast.</p><p>       —i'm getting married in four weeks —i mumble.</p><p>       she stops breathing for a second and stays completely quiet for two long minutes.</p><p>       —oh.</p><p>       that's all she lets out.</p><p>       i mean, i get it. it's the first time we talk in three years, we didn't end things very well and the first thing i tell her is that i'm getting married.</p><p>       —well, c-congrats. i'm really h-happy for y-you, Cal —she says with almost a none audible voice.</p><p>       —i want you to come —i blurt out.</p><p>       —Cal, you can't just ask me that —she snaps with a trembling voice and i shake my head.</p><p>       —please. i know it's weird, but-</p><p>       —Cal, i hope you have a great wedding and i'm sure you'll make your wife very, very happy and i wish you nothing but the best, but i can't come to your wedding —she says, cutting me off and letting out a sniff, making me know that she's crying.</p><p>       and then, she hangs up.</p><p>       i run my fingers through my hair, not knowing what to do.</p><p>       i call her again, but this time she doesn't pick it up, as i expected. i decide to send her the address to my house and the avenue just in case she wants to come.</p><p>       i know it's a lost cause, but i have to try.<br/>      <br/>       i stand up to go drink something at the bar i usually go with Michael. i really need to think.</p><p>       i enter the pub and sit at the bar and instead of asking for a shot, or a beer, or a vodka, i ask for a wine.</p><p>       a mouton cadet to be more specific.</p><p>       the one we drank the night i kissed her for the first time. it was in that kitchen in a motel in Naples. it was like 3 a.m. and i remember how she drove me crazy. she still does. and even if it wasn't the most romantic scene in the world, it was the best kiss in the entire planet.</p><p>       it was perfect.</p><p>       and as i said: you don't forget a kiss like that.</p><p>       i stare at the drink in front of me and i bring the glass to my lips to take a sip as if i'm tasting her lips.</p><p>       i thought i could move on. i thought that if i could live without my family, i could live without her, but for some reason, her leaving hit me in a different way. i got so used to falling asleep next to her every day for almost two years that i couldn't sleep for six months. i got so used to her being the first thing i see in the morning and before i fall asleep. or to her mocking me for never knowing where i left the other sock of the pair. i got used to her coming back from the grocery store with two bags full of food and giving me a kiss before even letting them down. i got so used to her leaving her shoes at the door whenever she came home and to her hugging me from behind while i cooked breakfast. i got so used to her that when she left, there was that void in every single thing i did.</p><p>       i just took it for granted. i knew i had everything, but i didn't think i would lose it.</p><p>       not that soon, anyway.</p><p>       —hey there, handsome... —a girl starts, sitting at the bar next to me—. what are you doing here all alone? —she says with a seducing voice.</p><p>       —drinking —i simply reply.</p><p>       —oh, you're drinking wine, who broke your heart? —she says, completely seeming like a different person, making me frown—. don't worry, i'm not here to hit on you. well, i should, because i lost a bet, but that's not the point —she says before asking the bartender for a drink—. i know i'm a stranger, but i know that if a guy is sitting at a bar, drinking an expensive wine is because they're going through something —she says, making me chuckle as i look at her.</p><p>       —i'm getting married in four weeks —i start and she doesn't say anything—. but i don't love her. i mean, she's funny and smart and really successful. i'm content, but she's not <em>her —</em>i continue.</p><p>       —your ex —she guesses and i nod.</p><p>       —yeah. there is just no comparison. she's the best person i've ever met. she's so funny, and so kind and so wild, and really fucking stubborn, and a pessimist, and she drives me insane sometimes, but i love her. i will never love another like i love her —i continue, taking a sip of wine.</p><p>       —what happened? —she asks.</p><p>       i don't even know why i'm telling all of this to a stranger. i just need a different point of view. Michael doesn't understand me. he just thinks that i need to get over her and start a family with Skylar.</p><p>       —it's a long story, but basically, we were travelling Europe because she belongs to the streets. she can't settle down and start a family. she's just too free to do that. but i did want that. i do. so we started fighting every day over small things. we both knew that none of us could be who the other wished we were. it all fell apart. she was right the whole time. we were too different to last. but god, that love was so fucking consuming and i loved every single second of it. but it came to an end —i reply and she nods, looking down.</p><p>       —why are you getting married?</p><p>       —because it's the right thing. i want a family and i wanna settle down. my fiancé is the person who can give me that —i simply reply, not having any more reasons.</p><p>       —okay, i don't know much so it's not like i can say a lot, but even if you want that, you can't marry someone you don't love at all —she says and i nod, a tear rolling down my cheek.</p><p>       i know she's right.</p><p>       —picture your future wedding for me. you're standing in the little stage, nervous as hell, because you're marrying the love of your life. you're making her your wife. she's dressed in a beautiful white dress and you think to yourself: <em>wow, she is so beautiful. </em>who's the one you imagined walking down aisle? —she asks, making me look down completely defeated.</p><p>       Reagan.</p><p>       of course.</p><p>       i look at the girl sitting by my side, tears rolling down my cheeks. she understands. i can tell that i don't even have to tell her the answer, because she already knows.</p><p>       —you can't fight who you love. that's just not how it works —she says.</p><p>       —but i know it will all fall apart again.</p><p>       —probably. and you'll pick up the pieces and you'll try again and again and again, until you finally get it right. if you think forever means butterflies and rainbows, you're wrong. it will be really tough, but if you love her, then i don't know what's stopping you —she finishes and before i can even say something, her friend comes up to her.</p><p>       —Matt is waiting for us at the club —the friend says and when the girl looks at me, i nod.</p><p>       —i hope everything turns out well for you —she sweetly says before standing up.</p><p>       —bye... —i start.</p><p>       —oh, uhm, Reagan —she says, my breathing stopping for a second.</p><p>       —bye, Reagan. thank you —i say, still shocked that that's her name.</p><p>       —bye. i'll see you around maybe —she says, sending me a small smile.</p><p>       she turns around and walks out.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. ii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        —dude, open up! —Michael says from the other side of my apartment door for the fucking fifth time.</p><p>        i've ignored him four times already, can't he understand?</p><p>        —bro, take a hint! —i yell, clearly annoyed.</p><p>        i know he's my best friend, but honestly, the advice that the girl from the bar gave me is way more helpful than Mike's. besides, i know he's not gonna tell me to follow my heart or whatever and not get married.</p><p>        so, no. i'm not in the mood to see him.</p><p>        i don't even like him that much.</p><p>        i don't like him at all, actually.</p><p>        —leave, for fucks sake! —i yell again when he knocks at the door once more.</p><p>        —fine! but if you don't move the fuck on and stop thinking about her, i will kill you! —he screams before walking away.</p><p>        i bring my hands to my hair, not knowing what to do. i pause the tv show that i'm watching, that's... miraculous ladybug.</p><p>        why am i like this? it's been three years and i still watch it and think of her and all of those days where we ate breakfast while watching silly cartoons.</p><p>        i am not ready to get married. i can't if my mind is clouded with thoughts and memories about my ex. i should be thinking about how beautiful my fiancé is, but i'm not. i can't. she's beautiful, inside and out, but she's just not the one for me.</p><p>        i stand up to go get something to eat, even if it's past one in the morning. i grab a beer from the fridge and also bread to make myself a sandwich.</p><p>        my phone starts ringing, so i walk back to the living room to grab it from the couch. i take a sip of beer and when i see it's her, i almost spit it out.</p><p>        —Ray? —i ask confused.</p><p>        —hey, there... —she says, clearly drunk.</p><p>        my head drops down, a small smile growing on my face, finding it funny.</p><p>        —hey, there —i say back—. where are you? —i ask, wanting to make sure she's in her motel room or apartment or wherever that she's staying and that she's not somewhere she can get hurt.</p><p>        —at a bar. this creepy guy has been staring me the whole night and i'm like, get over iiiiiit, dude —she explains, making me tense up.</p><p>        —go back to the motel, please —i ask her, knowing that all i can do is convince her.</p><p>        —i can't. i still haven't seen you —she mumbles, a frown growing on my face.</p><p>        —i don't know what that means, but we can talk about it when you get to your room safely —i tell her, getting nervous.</p><p>        —you know, i came to Sydney to see you but when i was in my way, i realized i am not ready to see you so i stopped at a bar and drowned myself in alcohol as i always do. and did you know that the ten shots i got were amazing? i don't remember what they were, but fuuuuuuuck they hit hard! —she yells, probably not even knowing what she's saying.</p><p>        i, of course, immediately freeze when she says that she's in the same city as me.</p><p>        —you're here? what bar? i ask her, already heading out the door with my hoodie in hand.</p><p>        —the one in four blocks away from your house. you know, with the name in pink neon lights —she answers and i nod, knowing perfectly find where that pub is.</p><p>        —don't move, i'll be right there —i tell her, hanging up the phone.</p><p>        as soon as i step out of the building, i bring the hood over my head since i didn't think about bringing an umbrella. it's raining a hell of a lot, i can barely even see three feet ahead of me, but i make it there. i enter the pub and immediately see her there, sitting at the bar, a glass full of whatever that is in between her fingers.</p><p>        i stand still at the entrance, not knowing what to do or how to approach her. i've been waiting for this moment for three years and it's finally here.</p><p>        i sit next to her, making her head snap towards me. i ask for a beer while she looks at me with a shocked face. the bartender hands me a bottle and i look back at her. our eyes meet.</p><p>        she's so beautiful.</p><p>        —hi —i softly say, but she doesn't say anything back. she keeps on staring at me.</p><p>        it's like she's sobering up within one second.</p><p>        —how are you? —i ask her.</p><p>        i see how her eyes turn watery, making me know that she's about to cry. she looks straight at me, still not saying a word as she bites her bottom lip, trying to fight back the tears. one starts running down her face, making me shake my hand.</p><p>        —hey, hey, hey. don't cry. what's wrong? —i ask, cupping her cheeks with my two hands.</p><p>        —i'm sorry —she simply says, a frown on my face.</p><p>        —what are you talking about?</p><p>        —it's been three years. i haven't talked to you in three years and when you tell me that you're getting married, when you've moved on and when you're happy, i decide to show up here because it made me realize how much i miss you. that's so selfish —she answers, looking down—. i'm not planning on getting you back. i know it's too late for that, but- i just- —she continues, but cuts herself off.</p><p>        she stands up, almost falling to the ground because she loses balance for a second. she walks out of the bar with me following her. she looks up and immediately puts on her hoodie.</p><p>        —hey, wait. let me take you home, i'll get you dry and make you some chocolate- —i start, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —no. i'm going to the room. i'm packing bags and leaving —she says, but this time i'm the one who shakes their head.</p><p>        —Ray-</p><p>        —stop being so nice to me! —she yells, taking a step back—. don't you see it?! i'm being so fucking selfish! i've been selfish since the very beginning and you know that! —she continues.</p><p>        she loves to yell when she's drunk.</p><p>        —that's not true —i whisper.</p><p>        —oh, please! i'm here and not to come to your wedding! i can't go! —she scoffs.</p><p>        —why won't you come? —i softly ask, making her look down, a couple of tears running down her face once again.</p><p>        she looks at me with empty eyes, really wet hair and soaked clothes because of the rain.</p><p>        —because i'm selfish? —she answers, but i shake my head.</p><p>        —that's not true. please, come. it's weird, but i really want you to be there —i push.</p><p>        —Cal, i can't —she blurts out, crying a little bit harder—. i can't watch you marry someone that's not me.</p><p>        she pauses for a second, looking at everywhere but me.</p><p>        —i can't go there and sit there and watch you stand there wearing a suit. i can't sit there and pretend that i'm happy for you. i can't sit there and watch you say your vows and how much you love her. i can't sit there and watch you say <em>i do —</em>she finishes, raising her voice.</p><p>        she stays quiet for a minute, just like me. tears are running down her face, but she wipes them off.</p><p>        —i can't sit there and watch you look at her the way you once looked at me —she adds.</p><p>        only if she knew that i will never look at someone that's not her like that.</p><p>        —i can't. i can't handle that. you're still my person. you will forever be my person and you don't know how much it hurts to know that i'm not yours. and i'm sorry, but i can't do that to myself. i'm already too broken to make me go through that. and i honestly wish you the absolute best, and i hope you live a happily ever after and that you do all the things you've always wanted to do with the love of your life, but i can't watch you being happy. i can't —she chokes out, crying a lot.</p><p>        i know her. i know her like the back of my hand and i know that during these three years she hasn't been able to let out all the things she wanted. she bottled everything up inside her head, so i'm just gonna let her yell.</p><p>        —and i regret so much the fact that i didn't hold on to you tight enough. i took all of what you gave me for granted. and i remember all those times that i looked at you and thought: <em>fuck, it's gonna hurt when i have to let him go, </em>and believe me that it hurt twice as much as i thought it would. i've never felt that kind of pain before. that was different. i could physically feel the hole in my heart because you took that piece of it with you. you took eveey single piece of it, actually. you have it all. you've always had it.</p><p>        she stops for a second, breathing in and out heavily as rain drops fall down, tapping on her face, hair and shoulders.</p><p>        i've always loved it when her hair is wet.</p><p>        —i'm gonna go now —she mumbles, looking down for a quick second before turning around and walking away.</p><p>        for some reason, as much as i want to follow her, my feet doesn't move. not in her direction, at least. they bring me inside the pub, where i find a little sticky note in the bar, where she was sitting.</p><p>        a name of a motel and a room number.</p><p>        i smile softly as i look at it.</p><p>        she knows me. she knows perfectly fine my every move.</p><p>        i head out of the pub to run towards the motel she's staying at. i run just like i did that day we took a walk in the rain, with my arms wide open and looking up to the sky.</p><p>        i stop running once i find myself in front of the motel. i enter and go up the stairs until the last floor. i walk down the corridor, stopping when i find the room number five.</p><p>        i don't even have to knock, because i see that it's unlocked, so i enter, just to find her laying in bed, back against the headboard and with two glasses of wine in hand.</p><p>        —mouton cadet? —she says with a slight smirk, offering me a glass.</p><p>        i stay where i am, looking at her with an intense stare.</p><p>        she's here.</p><p>        she's right in front of me.</p><p>        finally.</p><p>        —i've missed you, Ray —i whisper, her face softening at my words.</p><p>        —i've missed you too, Cal —she replies.</p><p>        the way she says my name, how it softly slips out of her mouth with that angelical voice of hers. she gives me that comfort no one else does. she's the one i want to go to when my mind searches for peace. because she's the only one who can actually make me feel at home.</p><p>        i sit down in the bed, facing her and she hands me the glass of wine, taking a sip of hers.</p><p>        —what have you been up to during these past three years? —she asks, making me look down at my drink.</p><p>        —nothing? when we broke up, i went back here and i haven't gotten out of the city since —i reply, making her frown.</p><p>        —that's a lot of time in the same place, Cal. even for you —she says and i nod in response—. why don't you keep seeing the world?</p><p>        i let out a big sigh, looking down once again.</p><p>        it's difficult to keep eye contact with her. i just cannot lock eyes with her and not look at her the way i should look at my fiancé.</p><p>        —because it reminds me too much of you —i mumble, her head snapping towards me—. that was something i did with you. it's not fun to go on adventures if i don't have you laughing your ass off by my side and planning all the mischievous stuff —i reply truthfully—. i'm sure you've seen everything by now —i add, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —not even with thousand lifetimes i would have enough time to do everything i wanna do and see everything i wanna see —she replies—. i've been to Spain, Germany, Turkey, Greece... i've been in Europe, basically —she adds, looking down when she finishes.</p><p>        —i'm so glad you're doing what you've always wanted —i whisper, but she shakes her head, eyes watery.</p><p>        i hate seeing her cry. i would do anything just to see her smile every single second.</p><p>        —i'm sorry —she whispers, taking a sip of wine.</p><p>        —what are you talking about?</p><p>        —i'm sorry i didn't hold on tight enough to make you stay. you knew exactly what i needed, but i didn't know what <em>you</em> needed —she says, making me shake my head immediately.</p><p>        —i needed you. that's it —i answer.</p><p>        —that's not true. if you only needed me, then it wouldn't have fallen apart. you needed to settle down, thing i couldn't give you. you didn't only need me, Cal —she says with shaky breath.</p><p>        —and you didn't need me. at all. i always knew that you only needed yourself. i was just someone who came with you along the way. i-</p><p>        —bullshit. and you know that. you leaving was the thing that hit me the hardest. you don't know the countless hours that i spent crying to the point where i couldn't even breathe. you were everything i wanted —she says, cutting me off.</p><p>        —then? what went wrong? we both only wanted each other —i say, making her shake her head.</p><p>        —we wanted each other, and we loved each other, but we didn't need the same —she states.</p><p>        we stay quiet for a long time, neither one of us knowing what to say. i look at her still, like she's the most precious thing in the world, trying to figure out all the features in her face that changed within these three years that i haven't seen her.</p><p>        —Cal —she whispers, my head snapping out of my thoughts—. i'm going back to Paris tomorrow —she adds with a low voice.</p><p>        —stay here. please. just a couple more days —i say, scooting closer to her—. i don't want to lose you again when i just got you back. i want to catch up and go on adventures. i want you. at least for a couple of days. i've been waiting for this a long time —i say, holding her face softly with both hands, dying to kiss her.</p><p>        it's crazy how much i want her, how much i crave her. i haven't seen her in three years, yet my feelings remain untouched from where we left off.</p><p>        —i can't.</p><p>        —why?</p><p>        —because i know that if i spend one more day with you, i won't leave —she whispers back, pulling away my arm softly with one hand.</p><p>        —then, don't leave. ever.</p><p>        —then what? you get married and i would've stayed just to get even more hurt. i would put myself through something i would probably never recover of. i can't see you marrying someone that's not me, Cal. you know that —she replies, looking down as she plays with her fingers.</p><p>        —then, i'm coming with you —i say, her head snapping upwards to look at me with a shocked face.</p><p>        —no, no, no. you have to stay. you have a fiancé, Cal.</p><p>        —i don't care. she's gonna be away for at least a week —i reply as she lets out a sigh—. everyone goes back to Paris eventually, Ray.</p><p>        —fine. pack your bags, Cal. we're going on an adventure. a big one.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. iii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        —so here is where you're planning on settling down? —she says as she looks around my apartment.</p><p>        —what's wrong with it? do you see something too hopeless romantic? —i tease, earning a laugh from her.</p><p>        —nah, it just doesn't fit you. it's so boring. too black and white, that's all —she replies as i put things inside my backpack.</p><p>        it's been three years since the last time i touched this backpack.</p><p>        i missed doing the packing.</p><p>        —are you ready, mr. drama? —she teases, earning a big smile from me as i nod.</p><p>        —to the airport! —i say, making her chuckle.</p><p>        before i can even open the door, it flies open by itself, Michael storming in.</p><p>        i feel Reagan jumping in surprise by my side.</p><p>        —Calum, mate- —he starts, but stops as soon as he sees the girl standing by my side.</p><p>        Michael looks at the both of us, confused about who she is, but when he sees the bags and recognises her, he shakes his head.</p><p>        —dude, are you fucking serious right now?! —he yells, shutting the door behind him.</p><p>        —Mike, it's none of your business —i whisper, not in the mood for fighting.</p><p>        i was having an amazing time with Ray until he had to come in.</p><p>        —it is! you're getting married in four weeks and you're going on a trip with your ex?! —he says, pushing me against the wall, clearly mad.</p><p>        —i do what i want, okay? Skylar is out for work, so i have every right to go on a trip with whoever i want —i shoot back, snapping away his arm so that he's no longer touching me.</p><p>        i know he's not gonna tell Skylar about this. the last thing he wants is for us to not get married.</p><p>        —Cal, as your best friend-</p><p>        —you're not my best friend. best friends support each other and try to understand. you're just my fiancé's brother —i finish.</p><p>        i trying to walk away, but he grabs my neck, pushing me against the wall once more.</p><p>        —Mike, you're hurting me- —i choke out, but he keeps on holding me by the neck.</p><p>        —he said you're hurting him! —Reagan yells as he punches Michael right in the jaw, making him fall to the ground. i gasp, not expecting her to do that—. are you okay? —she asks, approaching me with worried eyes.</p><p>        —better than ever —i whisper back.</p><p>        —i'm sorry i caused that. do you want some ice or something? maybe food will cheer you up- —she continues, making me smile widely.</p><p>        she's so caring.</p><p>        —Ray, i'm okay. let's go —i tell her and she nods before walking out of the apartment, leaving Michael on the floor.</p><p>        —i'm so excited! we're back in action! —she cheerfully says, giving me a high five as we run down the stairs.</p><p>        we grab a cab to take us to the airport and twenty minutes later, we get there. we jump off and enter the big building. we buy tickets and pass all that security shit and blah, blah, blah. since it's like 3 a.m., we get two seats in the plane that takes out in thirty minutes.</p><p>        we get something from the bending machine since we're pretty hungry and while we sit there, waiting for the plane, i can't help but feel that same excitement as i felt whenever we went from one place to another.</p><p>        when the half an hour we spend eating passes, a voice that sounds through the speakers calls our flight, so we proceed to get in line to get in the plane.</p><p>        and as we're sitting in the plane, waiting for it to take off, i can't help but ask.</p><p>        —where were you before coming to Sydney?</p><p>        she looks down at her hands for a quick second.</p><p>        —Paris. same apartment. same place where we left off —she replies, my head snapping towards her in surprise.</p><p>        —wait. you're still renting it? —i ask in confusion and she shakes her head in response.</p><p>        —not <em>renting </em>it. i bought it two years ago —she says, leaving me in complete shock.</p><p>        —what?</p><p>        —when we broke up, for some reason, my subconscious or whatever, was like telling me to go back to Paris, so i did. i rent the apartment for some months, got a job, learned a lot of french and when i had enough money, i kept travelling. when i didn't have much left, i sold my house and bought the apartment with that money. now i stay there for some months and when i have enough, i travel Europe for a month until i got none left. then, i go back to Paris and work —she explains, me nodding as she talks.</p><p>        —you love Paris, don't you? —i say and she nods softly.</p><p>        she loves it enough to want to stay there for months. i think she found her place in the world.</p><p>        she just doesn't know that yet.</p><p>        —i do. but it doesn't feel like home like it did when you were right next to me —she whispers, the words almost not even audible.</p><p>        i take my headphones out of my backpack and without saying anything, i hand her one of the earbuds. she grabs it, brushing her hand against mine without realizing it.</p><p>        —i'm really tired —i mumble, letting out a yawn.</p><p>        she moves a little, resting her back against the window and opens shyly her arms, just like she always did whenever we travelled.</p><p>        —i know it's weird, since you have a fiancé. —she says, scratching the back of her neck.</p><p>        i didn't even remember.</p><p>        —i don't care. i haven't had a good night sleep in forever —i reply, scooting closer to her. i rest my head on her chest, snuggling as she wraps her arms around me.</p><p>        <em>home.</em></p><p>        <em>finally.</em></p><p>        —do you still have nightmares? —she softly asks, running her fingers through my hair, knowing how much it calms me down.</p><p>        she knows me perfectly.</p><p>        —yeah, i've had them since the day you left, but i won't today —i reply, my eyes shutting down as i drift into a deep sleep.</p><p>        i keep having them, but truth is that with time, they've gotten better. they're not as frequent as they used to be.</p><p>        it's a pretty long flight and we have to stop at one point. maybe to refill? i don't know, but it takes twenty-four hours to get there. at some point i wake up, so we watch a movie. we even read the books that she brings with her, which surprises me, because i know she's never been much of a reader.</p><p>        i think i sleep throughout most of it, though, and i wake up to Reagan whispering my name.</p><p>        —Cal, we're here, come on —she says and i nod, sitting back up.</p><p>        i stand up at the same time as her and we grab our stuff before walking out of the plane. ten minutes later we leave the airport. we grab a car to take us the apartment that is now hers and when i enter, i see that it's almost the exact same as it was the last time i was here. she changed some things, but i can clearly know it's the same place.</p><p>        —okay, my apartment may not fit me, but this does fit you —i tell her as i look around.</p><p>        she takes both of our bags, letting them down above the bed before proceeding to walk out of the apartment.</p><p>        —wait. where are we going? —i ask, but she keeps walking down the stairs.</p><p>        —i'm taking you somewhere —she simply replies.</p><p>        —good, it's not illegal —i breathe out.</p><p>        —how do you do that? how do you know if it's illegal or not? —she snaps, making me laugh at how frustrated she is.</p><p>        honestly, i don't even know how i do it myself. i just know it.</p><p>        —magicians don't reveal its tricks —i say back as we walk out of the building and head towards wherever that she's taking me to—. a coffee shop? —i ask confused when she enters a little old café.</p><p>        it's almost full, probably because they're watching the little performance.</p><p>        i guess it's open microphone night or something.</p><p>        —yup —she replies, sitting down at a table, facing the little stage. i sit by her side.</p><p>        —this is not your style —i tease and she just nudges me in the shoulder.</p><p>        a waiter comes, so we order and continue to listen to whoever has the balls to play in front of people.</p><p>        —Ray? —i ask, her head snapping towards me—. uhm, what are we, right now?</p><p>        —friends? i guess? —she replies unsure and i nod—. i mean, it's not like we can be much more —she adds, trying to let out a little laugh.</p><p>        i don't say anything, not knowing what, and we both go back to paying attention to the girl with a guitar sitting on her lap and singing.</p><p>        when she finishes, she lets down the instrument and walks down the little stage. when i see that no one seems to go out there, i stand up. Reagan has a shocked face on as i head towards the little stage. i pick the guitar up and sit on the little chair with the microphone in front.</p><p>        i don't say anything. i just start playing with all the eyes of the people burning on me.</p><p>
  <em>
    <b>a/n: i recommend you to listen to the song ghost of you by 5sos while reading :)))</b>
  </em>
</p><p>        <em>"here i am waking up,</em><br/><em>still can't sleep on your side.</em><br/><em>there's your coffee cup,</em><br/><em>the lipstick stain fades with time.</em><br/><em>if i can dream long enough,</em><br/><em>you'd tell me i'd be just fine.</em><br/><em>i'll</em><em> be just fine."</em></p><p>        <em>"ghost of you" </em>is a song i wrote when Reagan and i broke up and i went back to Sydney. i started playing again because of her. i had so many ideas and so many thoughts i needed to let out, so one day, i picked up the guitar and words just flew out of my mouth. that's how the song was born.</p><p>        <em>"so i drown it out like i always do,</em><br/><em>dancing through our house</em><br/><em>with the ghost of you,</em><br/><em>and i chase it down</em><br/><em>with a shot of truth,</em><br/><em>dancing through our house</em><br/><em>with the ghost of you."</em></p><p>        i wrote what seems like a thousand songs about her. about us. it was like my way out of going absolutely insane. it was really fucking hard to not wake up next to her every day, not seeing her everyday. she just became someone i spent every single second of every day with. it's difficult as fuck to get used to just her not being there one day. it wasn't a progressive thing, it was so fast. one day i was hearing her laugh and seeing her smile and the next i was laying in bed, in Sydney, with a guitar in my hands, writing a song, depressed as fuck.</p><p>        <em>"cleaning up today,</em><br/><em>found that old zeppelin shirt</em><br/><em>you wore when you ran away</em><br/><em>and no one could feel your hurt.</em><br/><em>we're too young, too dumb</em><br/><em>to know things like love.</em><br/><em>but i know better now."</em></p><p>        for a quick second, i look at Reagan just to see that she has tears running down her face. she doesn't bother on looking away or on wiping them away, she lets them roll down as she locks eyes with me. and as i look at her, i sing the rest of the song.</p><p>        <em>"so i drown it out like i always do,</em><br/><em>dancing through our house</em><br/><em>with the ghost of you.</em><br/><em>and i chase it down,</em><br/><em>with a shot of truth,</em><br/><em>that my feet don't dance</em><br/><em>like they did with you."</em></p><p>        when i say the last verse i can tell how perfectly she knows it's about her. about all those times that we danced in the kitchen while cooking.</p><p>        we did that almost every single day.</p><p>        people start clapping, snapping me out of my thoughts, so i break eye contact with Reagan. i say thank you before walking off the little stage and before i reach the table, she stands up and leaves.</p><p>        —Ray, come on! —i say, following her out—. why are you even mad? —i ask, making her turn around in her tracks so that she's standing ten feet away from me.</p><p>        —i'm not mad —she softly says, shaking her head—. i just didn't expect it, i guess —she adds, looking down at her hands—. it was beautiful, Calum, even though i felt attacked with those lyrics —she says with a laugh.</p><p>        —you don't mind, right? like, it's not the only song i've written about you. about us —i tell her and she shakes her head in response.</p><p>        —nah, we all have our way of getting through heartbreak. you actually better sing me every single song, even if you call me a bitch in the majority of them —she jokes, earning a laugh from me.</p><p>        —i will, don't worry.</p><p>        —i'm hurt. you didn't deny the calling me a bitch thing —she points out as we start walking back to the apartment.</p><p>        —i went through a phase in which i was mad —i defend myself, earning a laugh from her—. what was your way? like, what did you do?</p><p>        —uhm, well, alcohol, mostly at first, but then i discovered that you're still the only thing in my mind even when i can't think straight, so that didn't help me forget you —she starts and pauses for a second—. don't mock me for this, but i pretended you were still there.</p><p>        —what do you mean?</p><p>        —for example, i bought a lot of pillows and i put them in the position you normally sleep in. that was the only way i had to actually get some sleep during the first couple of months.</p><p>        —i did that too, not gonna lie —i add, making her chuckle.</p><p>        —then, i entered that mad phase you also had, so i bought darts and one of those round targets and i literally stick a photo of your face in it —she says, my eyes widening.</p><p>        —oh my god. did you seriously wanted to kill me? —i ask scared and she just smiles—. psychopath —i mumble.</p><p>        —don't worry, i just had a lot of rage inside. i wasn't necessarily mad at you, but more at us and what happened, if that makes sense. i still have it in the apartment, in case you wanna see it —she says.</p><p>        —for some reason, i really do —i admit.</p><p>        we get to the apartment a couple of minutes later and as soon as we enter, she walks towards the bed. she pulls that round target of underneath and hands it to me.</p><p>        —you could've found a better picture of me; you have thousands —i say, looking at the picture of me being like a fucking meme.</p><p>        —i know i do, but i was mad, i couldn't stick one in which you looked really hot —she defends herself before grabbing it once again and putting it back underneath the bed.</p><p>        —do you still keep them? like, all the pictures? —i ask her quietly and she nods.</p><p>        —i do. every single one of them. i thought about deleting them, but i never had enough strength to do it —she replies.</p><p>        silence falls upon us, so she speaks up a couple of moments later.</p><p>        —it's pretty late, so i'm going to sleep —she says.</p><p>        she walks up to her closet and changes into other clothes.</p><p>        —you have more than three outfits. that's new —i tease, earning a roll of eyes from her.</p><p>        —you still have three —she shoots back.</p><p>        —touché. —i say, raising my arms up in surrender—. hey, that t-shirt is mine —i point out when she puts on a really familiar t-shirt.</p><p>        —yeah... —she shyly says, scratching the back of her head—. do you mind?</p><p>        —nah, it looks better on you.</p><p>        —stop flirting with me —she warns, even though she has a small smile on her face.</p><p>        —you love it —i say and she just rolls her eyes as she gets in bed—. i can sleep the couch —i tell her, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —i mean, you should since you have a fiancé, but i really don't want you to have nightmares and if i help you with that, then you'll sleep by my side —she says, tapping the space beside her.</p><p>        i won't argue.</p><p>        at all.</p><p>        i've been waiting for this moment a long time.</p><p>        —you can grab sweatpants from the closet if you want. i mean, they're yours anyway —she says, earning a look of disbelief from me—. hey! you never asked for them back —she defends herself with a laugh.</p><p>        i change into my lost and now found pair of sweatpants and take off my t-shirt before getting in bed next to her.</p><p>        —it's been a while, hasn't it? —she says, hesitantly scooting closer to me.</p><p>        i waste no time, though, i wrap my arm around her, pulling her towards me. she immediately relaxes completely, snuggling against my body. she rest her head on the crook of my neck, her arm over my chest, grabbing the opposite side softly.</p><p>        —Cal? —she softly asks, her eyes shutting down and i hum in response, caressing and playing with her hair—. when did you fall out of love with me?</p><p>        i stay quiet, knowing how much of an asshole i'm gonna be when i admit what i'm about to admit. i have a fiancé and even if i'm not cheating on her physically, i'm cheating on her emotionally.</p><p>        i think that by the time i'm about to reply, she's already asleep, but i say it anyway, needing to accept the facts.</p><p>        <em>when did i fall out of love with her?</em></p><p>        —never.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. iv</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i open my eyes, feeling like a new person. i got such a good sleep, thing that hasn't happened in a long time.</p><p>        i look down at the sleeping beauty i have in my arms. her eyes are closed and her pink lips slightly parted. with my fingers, i softly get the thin hair strands out of the way and grab her face by her cheek softly.</p><p>        —good morning —she says, a small smile on her face as i look at her like a fool—. any nightmares? —she asks and i shake my head—. i'm glad.</p><p>        her eyes begin to open baggily and i just continue to stare at her, admiring every single feature of her.</p><p>        —i love you.</p><p>        those three words just slip right out of my mouth. that's just what i think when i look at her, and this time i couldn't hold it back anymore. she thinks i'm not in love with her anymore, when in reality, i still am.</p><p>        —i love you so fucking much, Ray. i never stopped. never —i add since she's too frozen to say anything.</p><p>        suddenly, a big smile grows across her face, her white teeth visible. before i can even process things, her lips are on mine. she flips us over a little bit so that she's on top, my arms sneaking around her waist, not letting her go.</p><p>        she sits back up, pulling me with her as her legs wrap around my waist. we continue to kiss, our lips tangled as if they're tasting each other for the first time, even though they're really familiar. her fingers running through my hair, leaving it even messier than it already is. she leans backwards a little bit, my hands holding her back so that she doesn't fall. she sends me a big smile as she pulls away slowly, making me miss her lips already.</p><p>        she's the one i want.</p><p>        she's the one i want forever.</p><p>        —i love you too, Cal. i still do —she whispers back.</p><p>        she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me in a tight hug. she buries her head in the crook of my neck as i hold her as close to me as i can.</p><p>        suddenly, my phone starts ringing, making her immediately pull away. i look at the nightstand to see that Skylar is calling.</p><p>        —pick it up. i'm gonna make breakfast —Reagan says, climbing off my lap and the bed, and disappearing inside the kitchen.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>hey, sorry i didn't call yesterday, i was really busy. how are you? —</em>my fiancé says from the other side of the line.</p><p>        since she doesn't mention anything about me going on a trip, i'm guessing Michael kept his mouth shut. i know i have to talk to her, i mean, i just kissed someone who's not her and not regretting it is even worse.</p><p>        —everything's good. how's the case going? i'm sure you got this —i reply, standing up from the bed and putting it on speaker so that i can put on a t-shirt.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>actually, i'm not sure if i'm gonna win. the others really know how to make up bullshit, but </em><em>i'm</em><em> trying my best —</em>she explains, scoffing at the bullshit part.</p><p>        —it's okay, don't stress. i'm sure you'll find a way. fight for what's right and everything will work out —i tell her.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i hope so. thank you, babe. i gotta go now. bye. love you.</em></p><p>        —bye. love you too —i say back and she hangs up a couple of seconds later.</p><p>        i have to talk to her, i know that, but i wanna do that in person. i'm not gonna have this conversation through phone, even less when she's working on a really important case and needs to be focused on that.</p><p>        i walk inside the kitchen to see Reagan cutting some fruit and putting it on two bowls full of yogurt.</p><p>        —since when do you eat healthy? —i tease, grabbing her by the waist, lifting her up and sitting her above the counter.</p><p>        —hey! i've- —she starts, but i cut her off by pressing my lips on her and pulling her closer to me by the small of her back—. well, hello —she says with a smile, pulling away for a quick second. i just shake my head, kissing her once again.</p><p>        i've missed her lips so fucking much. i didn't remember kissing her was this good.</p><p>        —you love messing my hair up too much —i playfully say, untangling our lips slightly as her fingers run through my hair softly.</p><p>        —you love kissing me too much —she shoots back, earning a small smile from me as i nod.</p><p>        —very, very true —i tell her, leaving one last peck on her lips before continuing cutting the fruit.</p><p>        —i have no complains, though —she adds with a laugh, grabbing a piece of apple and putting it in her mouth.</p><p>        —so, what are we doing today? —i ask, being positive that she already has something planned.</p><p>        —something really fun, so let's eat and get going, because i can't wait —she says, jumping off the counter and grabbing the two bowls. i take out two little spoons and follow her towards the couch.</p><p>        we eat quickly, since apparently, we're in a rush to go wherever that she has in mind. we put on some clothes without showering first. she says that we're gonna need one after that.</p><p>        i'm pretty scared, honestly.</p><p>        —let's gooooooo —she says excited, running towards the door as she grabs me by the wrist, pulling me with her.</p><p>        —i'm so scared —i say while walk out of the building.</p><p>        —bro, come on. it's me. you can trust me —she says, but i send her a look of disbelief—. okay, yes, you have every right to be scared, but it's gonna be really fun.</p><p>        —i swear to god- —i start, but she cuts me off by pressing her lips on mine.</p><p>        —shut up. you're gonna have fun. trust me.</p><p>        i immediately shut up, deciding to trust her. at the end of the day, whenever she told me i was gonna have fun, i had a great time. i doubt this time will be different.</p><p>        we grab a cab, since apparently, it's pretty far and when the car stops, my eyes widen.</p><p>        —you've got to be kidding me —i tell her as we both jump off.</p><p>        —you don't like paintball? —she asks surprised and i just keep on staring at the big sign that says <em>paintball </em>in capital and really big letters.</p><p>        —i've never tried it —i say, her jaw dropping.</p><p>        —paintball is one of the things you gotta do at least once in your lifetime —she says, entering the building.</p><p>        normally i do the talking, but then, she starts speaking french fluently with the guy behind the counter. my jaw drops.</p><p>        she learned a lot in three years.</p><p>        the guy gives us those weird suits you use on paintball so that the paint bullets don't hurt you and we put them on. he also says that since we're only two and there's no one else waiting, we're gonna go to a little arena and it will be me versus her.</p><p>        —okay, so basically, we're gonna do one round that lasts twenty minutes. you know how it works. we shoot each other and the one who gets the other first, wins. there's also like water balloons but with paint instead of water so that if you're really close to me, you throw me that instead of shooting because you can actually hurt me if you're really close. you have a map in your pocket and yeah... that's it. let the best one win —she explains, and i nod as she talks.</p><p>        okay, no shooting if i'm really close to her, twenty minutes, i have a map in my pocket.</p><p>        can't be that hard.</p><p>        —i'm positive i'm gonna win —i cockily say and she just rolls her eyes.</p><p>        a door flies open and we have thirty seconds to run and hide somewhere, just like the guy explained earlier in a french that i almost didn't understand.</p><p>        —let's gooooo —she says, running away to hide somewhere, probably behind something.</p><p>        —i don't know where you are, but you better come ooouuuuut —i yell, as i carefully hide behind a big metal plate. i poke my head out to see if i can spot her.</p><p>        i see a ball of paint flying past me, almost brushing my cheek.</p><p>        —hiding behind something? fucking coward! —i hear her yell, making me take this more seriously. i shoot towards where the ball came from. i see her hand poking out of the metal plate and she shows me her middle finger.</p><p>        i run towards another plate, her shooting me but missing.</p><p>        —your aim is fucking awful! —i tease, knowing that it will drive her mad.</p><p>        —fuck you! —she says, shooting my plaque.</p><p>        we continue to yell things at each other and since i see that we're going nowhere, i decide to stay quiet a long time to see if she thinks it's because i changed places. when i look at her hiding spot, i see that she doesn't seem to be there anymore.</p><p>        i move towards another plate and since there's absolutely no movement, i walk even closer. once i'm at the same level as the metal plate she was hiding behind, i see that she is, in fact, not there.</p><p>        —<em>sayonara</em>, baby —she says, making me turn around defeat—. no one beats me at paintball, Cal. no one —she cockily says, shooting me right in the left side of my chest.</p><p>        it actually hurts a little bit.</p><p>        —use the fucking balloon! —i yell, making her laugh as i shoot her right back.</p><p>        —Cal! —she yells, throwing me a balloon, which explodes right on my shoulder.</p><p>        i run towards her, picking her up like a potato sack. i feel one of the balloons explode on my ass, making her burst out laughing.</p><p>        —nice booty, Hood —she comments, earning a roll of eyes from me as i smash one on her butt—. i hate you —she mumbles as she starts moving, so i let her down, exploding another one on her head.</p><p>        these balloons are the absolute best.</p><p>        —oh my- —she says as paint starts dripping down her face—. this means war —she mutters, so i start running away.</p><p>        she chases me and jumps on my back once she's close enough.</p><p>        —i hope you enjoy it —she mumbles, smashing one on my face as she hops off my back.</p><p>        i wipe the paint away from my eyes and we keep throwing each other paint balloons until we got none left. i pick her up by the thighs, her legs wrapping around my waist immediately.</p><p>        —i won —she says, her face full of blue and pink paint, just like mine but with different colors.</p><p>        —shut up and kiss me —i mumble.</p><p>        she nods and gladly presses her lips on mine softly.</p><p>        —you're lucky i didn't smash one in your balls —she whispers randomly as she pulls away slightly.</p><p>        —am i supposed to say thank you? —i playfully say and she shakes her head.</p><p>        —you just have to kiss me —she replies.</p><p>        —don't have to tell me twice.</p><p>        she kisses me one last time before i let her down. we walk out of the arena and the same guy helps us take off those weird suits.</p><p>        though we were wearing those, our clothes are still big messes, to not talk about face and hair. lucky us that they let us clean up a little bit before heading back to the apartment.</p><p>        —okay, i have to admit it, that was fun —i say as she opens the door of her place.</p><p>        —see, i told you —she says, throwing the keys on the kitchen counter.</p><p>        she starts taking off her shoes, just like i do. taking me by surprise, she grabs me by the wrist, pulling me into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. she rest her back against it and immediately finds my lips.</p><p>        her hands pull the ends of my t-shirt upwards, making me pull away from the kiss as it goes through my head. before the clothing even touches the floor, my mouth is already on hers. my hand slips underneath her t-shirt, unclasping her bra with one hand effortlessly. she undoes the button of her pants as i start kissing behind her ear, her head tilting backwards lightly. i peel her t-shirt off, which she takes as a cue to flip us around so that my back is against the wall.</p><p>        we continue to undress ourselves and once we're done, without disconnecting our lips, we get in the shower. she turns on the water so that it starts falling down her back.</p><p>        —fuck, we forgot our socks —she laughs, looking at our feet that are still covered.</p><p>        —we're a disaster —i mumble.</p><p>        her head falls on my shoulder as she continues to laugh, covering her face with her hands.</p><p>        we take our now wet socks, throwing them away and i kiss her temple softly before handing her the body soap. when our bodies are paint free, she grabs the shampoo, putting some on her hand.</p><p>        —let's do this —she mumbles to herself as i crunch down a little so that she can reach my hair better.</p><p>        she continues cleaning and massaging my hair and once she's done she washes all the shampoo away. i do the same with hers before we get out of the shower. she gives me a towel with which i dry my hair a little bit and then wrap it around my waist. i grab her hair brush and before she can even ask, i put myself behind her and start to brush her hair.</p><p>        —you look so cute when you're focused and your tongue pokes out —she mumbles with a small smile as she looks at me through the mirror in front of us.</p><p>        —shut up, i'm manly —i say back, nudging her on the shoulder. she just sends me a smile—. also, tell me if i hurt you —i add and she nods in response.<br/>       <br/>        i leave a kiss on the top of her head once i'm done, letting the hair brush back on its place.</p><p>        —do you wanna spend the rest of the day in? —i ask her as she turns around.</p><p>        —sounds amazing to me.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. v</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i wake up and immediately bring my hands to my face to rub my eyes. i open them and grab my phone that's resting on the nightstand to see the time.</p><p>        11 a.m.</p><p>        —morning, Ra- —i don't even finish, because i see that her body is not laying in bed.</p><p>        my head snaps towards the kitchen to see if she's there, but no. i frown, but i stand up. i walk towards the kitchen and spot a little sticky note above the counter.</p><p>        <em>i went to work and i didn't want to wake you up. you looked too adorable sleeping.</em></p><p>        <em>i'll be back by 3.</em></p><p>        <em>i love you, sleepyhead.</em></p><p>        — <em>Ray.</em></p><p>        she has the messiest handwriting ever, but i love it anyway. it's perfect just the way it is.</p><p>        —i love you too. —i mumble, even though she's not gonna hear it.</p><p>        i decide to reply to it, so i grab my phone to send her a message.</p><p>        <em>i know i'm adorable, but </em><em>i'm</em><em> manlier than anything else. good luck at work.</em></p><p>        <em>i love you too.</em></p><p>        i turn off my phone and right when i open the fridge to make some breakfast i see that she already did that for me.</p><p>        there's a bowl with yogurt and fruit on the top shelf.</p><p>        as i said: she's so caring.</p><p>        i grab it before walking towards the couch and sitting down. i turn on the tv to watch whatever that they put on. my phone starts ringing, so i mute the tv and pick it up without even looking at who's calling.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>Skylar is coming home earlier, so you better get your ass here, because if you're not here when she gets back, she's gonna get suspicious —</em>Michael snaps, making me roll my eyes.</p><p>        i know him, so by now, i know that it could be a lie.</p><p>        —she didn't tell me anything about that.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>it's a surprise but it's gonna break her heart if you're not here when she comes back and finds out that you're with your ex in Paris probably doing something you shouldn't be doing —</em>he says.</p><p>        —i know that you mean sex and not that it's any of your business, but no, Ray and i haven't had sex —i snap, not liking all these hints that he's throwing my way.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>look, maybe not sex, but tell me, have you kissed her? have you looked at her and thought about how much you wished you weren't engaged to someone else? —</em>he asks and i stay quiet, knowing that he already knows the answer—. <em>look, i'm not even asking you to marry her, but at least, have the decency to get your ass here, apologize and break up with her face to face, like she deserves. don't send her a shitty text. you know she deserves more than that —</em>he adds and i nod, knowing that i need to do that.</p><p>        i got Ray back, which is what i wanted and leaving her aside, i can't get married. not because i love someone else, but because i simply do not love Skylar.</p><p>        —i'll be there. bye —i simply say, before hanging up.</p><p>        i search for plane tickets and buy one that takes off today at 7 p.m. so that i can spend at least half afternoon with Ray. i know i shouldn't be thinking about her right now, but i can't help it. she's what i care most about in this world.</p><p>        i take a shower because i'm gross right now and when i finish, i cook lunch. i leave something for Ray, in case she comes home hungry, even though i know that she eats during her break at work.</p><p>        afterwards, i sit down in the couch and read a book that i found around the apartment until she comes back.</p><p>        —hey, there —Ray says, making my head snap towards the door—. i went grocery shopping. i thought we could prepare something special tonight —she adds, leaving the countless bags above the kitchen counter.</p><p>        —yeah... uhm, about tonight... —i start.</p><p>        —before you say anything, just know that i'm really excited because i have a surprise for you —she says, making me feel like the worst person in the world—. what if we- —she starts, taking everything out of the bags.</p><p>        —i'm leaving tonight —i blurt out, cutting her off.</p><p>        she immediately stops as soon as the box of eggs she's holding is resting above the counter and turns her head to look at me with a sad face.</p><p>        —what? —she whispers. —i thought we had a week.</p><p>        —we did, but Skylar is coming home earlier —i explains and she simply nods, not saying anything—. look-</p><p>        i stop as soon as she walks pass me and sits down in the couch, wrapping the blanket around her body.</p><p>        —don't be mad, please —i say, even though she has every right to be.</p><p>        —Cal, i'm not mad —she says as i sit next to her—. i can't be mad at you if i knew this was gonna happen. Skylar is not the bad guy in the story. she did nothing wrong, so you should go back there and talk to her. tell her the truth and then, decide. do you wanna get married to her or not? and i'm not even talking about me anymore. i'm talking about you. what do <em>you</em> want? —she says and i look down for a second.</p><p>        —you. i want you. you know that —i say, grabbing her by the thighs so that she's sitting on my lap. she immediately wraps her legs around my waist.</p><p>        —then, tell her it's over. but you gotta do that face to face. she doesn't deserve any less than that —she replies, grabbing the back of my neck softly.</p><p>        —okay —i simply say.</p><p>        i don't wanna hurt Skylar. i know it's way too late for that and that i've done a lot of things wrong to now say that i'm sorry. i cheated on her. emotionally the whole time and physically for the past three days.</p><p>        —and when you finish, please come back —she begs, giving me a sad face—. i lost you once. i don't think i can do it again.</p><p>        —i will always find my way straight back to you. always —i say softly and she connects our lips sweetly, making me smile widely into the kiss—. what was my surprise?</p><p>        —i'm gonna give it to you when you get back —she replies, making me pout, really wanting to get my surprise—. don't give me that face or you're not gonna have the second surprise.</p><p>        —there's two surprises?! i can't wait now! —i argue, but she just laughs.</p><p>        —then, you better get your ass back here as fast as possible —she cockily replies.</p><p>        —oh, i will —i say, pressing my lips on hers once again.</p><p>        during the time together that we've got left, we cuddle a lot and she also gives me countless kisses, which i don't have any complains for. we also watch a movie and when the time comes, i grab my stuff and she comes with me to the airport.</p><p>        —i'll see you in a few days? —she says and i nod, turning around to look at her.</p><p>        —i'll come back, Ray. promise —i tell her.</p><p>        she sends me a small smile before wrapping her arms around my neck. mine go around her waist, holding her as close as possible.</p><p>        i grab her by the thighs, making her jump so that her legs go around my waist.</p><p>        —i love you.</p><p>        at those words, she immediately smashes her lips on mine, her fingers tangled in my hair.</p><p>        —i love you too —she says as i put her down—. bye, Hood —she playfully adds.</p><p>        —bye, Ray.</p><p>        i turn around as my plane is called and walk away from her.</p><p>        i know i'm gonna see her in a few days, but i'll miss her a lot. i just know it. i'll also hate the days i have ahead of me, because as i said earlier: i really do not wanna hurt Skylar, and i know i will, so it won't be fun for me.</p><p>        i get in the plane and sit down on my seat. eventually, the plane takes off and i spend the whole time, either sleeping, or looking out the window as i listen to music.</p><p>        i have no idea of what i'm gonna say when i get there and see her. how do you say to someone <em>"hey, i cheated on you while you were away for work. i've never actually loved you. my heart belongs to another person and i don't know how to tell you, but i'm cancelling the wedding that was in four weeks and i'm moving to Paris with my ex because </em><em>i'm</em><em> still madly in love with her?"</em> how the fuck do you say all of that and not sound like the fucking worst person in the world?</p><p>        why did i do this? how the fuck did i get myself into all this mess?</p><p>        <em>you called her. i think that's where you fucked up. or maybe, it was even before that. i think it was when you got engaged with someone you don't love at all. maybe you simply should've broken up with her before playing with her.</em></p><p>        <em>i don't know, i could be wrong.</em></p><p>        no need to be a sarcastic asshole, bro.</p><p>        <em>if you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question.</em></p><p>        when the plane finally lands in Sydney, i walk out of the airport and grab a cab to go to the apartment i share with Skylar.</p><p>        —why the fuck do you spend more time here than at your own apartment? —i ask, clearly annoyed that as soon as i open the door, i see Michael in the couch.</p><p>        i fucking hate this guy.</p><p>        —oh, look who decides to show up —he sarcastically says, making me roll my eyes—. Skylar told me she gets here tomorrow morning, so you better act surprised —he adds.</p><p>        —i will, don't worry. now could you please, get out —i tell him.</p><p>        —i'm guessing you're gonna cancel the wedding —he says, completely ignoring what i asked him.</p><p>        —what else can i do? i already cheated on her so i doubt that she will want to keep on with the wedding. not to talk about the fact that as amazing as she may be, she's not the one i'm in love with. i fucked up really bad. it's too late to not be honest with her —i reply, running my fingers through my hair in frustration.</p><p>        —look, yeah, you fucked up. you really did, but i understand. or i try to, at least. i think that being honest after you did all of what you did, is getting the first step towards the right direction —he says, putting both of his hands on my shoulders—. and now, i'm not talking as your fiancé's brother. i'm talking as your best friend. because even if you stopped being mine, doesn't mean i stopped being yours —he continues.</p><p>        —i feel so bad —i blurt out, looking down at the ground, holding back the tears.</p><p>        i've always considered myself a good person and i honestly never thought i would cheat on someone.</p><p>        even less when i got cheated on.</p><p>        i know how bad that feels. i know it. and the worst thing is that while i was doing it, i did not think for one second about Skylar.</p><p>        i'm the worst person in the world.</p><p>        —why didn't you end things sooner? you've never been in love with Skylar and you know that —he asks and i simply shrug.</p><p>        —i guess i really wanted it to work. i didn't think i would actually see Reagan again so i kept holding on to the relationship like it would make me move on. Skylar was great and i knew she could give me what i needed —i reply, making him nod, understanding me.</p><p>        —you shouldn't marry Skylar, but if you know that Reagan can't give you that, why do you go back to her? —he asks.</p><p>        —honestly? i have no idea. but i want it to work so badly, that i will keep trying and trying, until we finally get it fucking right. during these past four days that i spent with her, i honestly did not give a fuck about settling down. i didn't want to —i say—. and, now that it's been three years, i see that she has changed. she can stay in one place longer. she told me how she normally stayed in Paris the whole year and then travelled during the summer. she can give me more now than she could three years ago —i add, walking into the kitchen to grab a beer from inside the fridge.</p><p>        —do you think you will marry her one day? —he asks as i throw him one bottle.</p><p>        —her? married? no. i don't think she wants that. she can stay in one place longer, but she can't get into that commitment. not that she's scared of spending the rest of her life with me or anything, but more because she feels the pressure of having to make it work and ends up fucking it up.</p><p>        when Reagan knows she has to do something, she starts stressing over it and ends up fucking it up. if we get married, even though i would love that, i know she'll get nervous and start overthinking things because she wants to make it work.</p><p>        —baby steps, right? —Michael laughs and i nod.</p><p>        it's the first time we actually talk about Ray. like he wants to know about her and about who she is. whenever i mentioned her, he immediately changed topic towards Skylar or something. but today, he does feel like my best friend.</p><p>        —just know that if you ever marry her, i'll be okay with it. i like the girl, not gonna lie. she has some big balls. i mean, she punched me in the face without thinking it twice. she saw you there and she was like: <em>i don't give any fucks —</em>he adds, making me burst out a laughing.</p><p>        —she throws punches for me and she also takes them —i point out, remember the night at that party—. well, i threw one to the guy who had her against the wall and when he came at me, she took the punch. it was teamwork —i say with a chuckle.</p><p>        —how did you two meet? —he asks.</p><p>        —at a party, one day after i moved to north carolina. i sat next to her in the backyard and she said: <em>hey, do you wanna go on adventures for one night and never see each other again? </em>we gave each other nicknames and the night started. of course, we did see each other again. she came to my house with chocolate and strawberries and we went to the top of a hill to eat them —i tell him, his eyebrows raising.</p><p>        —i've always wondered how you could still love someone so fucking much even though they put you through so much pain, but i get why you fell in love with her —he says.</p><p>        —Ray is something else.</p><p>        even though she thinks she's a realist, she's a big dreamer. she wouldn't have gotten out of her hometown if she didn't think there are better things for her out there.</p><p>        —to be fair, i handled the break up pretty well —i defend myself and he shakes his head.</p><p>        —no, you didn't! you cried every single day for months! one day, you were so worthless without her because she was the best person in the world, and the next, she was the absolute worst and you hated her. honestly, taking care of you was a tough mission —he laughs and even though i would like to argue, i can't.</p><p>        i was a big wreck.</p><p>        and he did take care of me. after a while he introduced me Skylar and see where it got us. not that it's his fault or anything. it's mine. i just wonder what would've happened if i had never met Michael or if he had never introduced me to Skylar. i mean, it's because i'm getting married that i called Reagan and that she ended up here.</p><p>        and honestly, even though it may make me sound even more of an awful person, i would do it all over again if it meant Reagan coming to Sydney.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. vi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i start walking around the living in room in circles, hands really sweaty and i feel like it's one thousand fucking degrees in here.</p><p>        Michael just sent me a text telling me that Skylar will be here in less than ten minutes and i feel like shitting myself.</p><p>        —surprise! —a really happy Skylar yells as she opens the door wide open.</p><p>        —babe! —i say, trying to sound as excited and surprised as possible—. what- i thought you came back in three days.</p><p>        —i won the case and i thought i would surprise you. —she replies, leaving a kiss on my lips.</p><p>        —what is it? —i ask confused when she looks down with a face i can't quite read.</p><p>        —we can't get married.</p><p>        as soon as those words leave her mouth, i freeze.</p><p>        i've imagined thousands of options and scenarios about how this conversation could go, and not even in one, i thought she would be the one to say that.</p><p>        —i know everything. —she adds, my head dropping—. and it's okay. i know you were gonna tell me now, thing that i appreciate and i also knew that you didn't really love me all along. —she explains, while i just stay quiet, not knowing what to say.</p><p>        —how?</p><p>        —Cal, please, i'm not stupid. i know who the girl in your phone wallpaper is. i know who all the songs you wrote and still write, were and are about. i sleep next to you and i hear every single time that you mumble her name in your sleep. i also know that for some reason, as much as i would like to change it, she's the only person who can make you not have nightmares. —she says, making me look down, about to cry.</p><p>        i can't believe that she actually shut her mouth about all of that. now that i think about it, it was fucking obvious that i wasn't over Reagan.</p><p>        —i never had your heart. i thought that after the wedding, you would start moving on because you wanted to make marriage work, but it doesn't matter how many years pass. you will continue to love her, and i realize that now. so, before you get yourself into a bigger mess, i'm gonna help you and get you out of it. —she says.</p><p>        wow.</p><p>        she's amazing. i've known that she's great, but i've never seen this part of her. i'm not that understanding.</p><p>        at all.</p><p>        —i know it won't change anything, but i feel really guilty about it. i really did not want any of this to happen. i- —i start, but she cuts me off by shaking her head.</p><p>        —you may feel guilty, because you know it was wrong, but you don't regret it. how could you? tell me, honestly, without any lies and without thinking it much, how many times while kissing me, did you think of her? —she asks.</p><p>        that question is a fucking destroyer.</p><p>        —be honest with me. i'm not mad. i'm disappointed and sad, yes, but not exactly mad, so be honest. —she adds when she sees i hesitate a lot in answering.</p><p>        —almost every single time we kissed. —i mumble, looking down and she nods, as if the truth just hit her really hard.</p><p>        —look. i love you, Cal. and it's because of that, that i'm just gonna tell you to run back to her. she makes you happy, doesn't she? she gave you something i couldn't, even though i tried really fucking hard, but i was never enough. —she says, my heart breaking for her.</p><p>        —that's not true. that's not true at all. you were enough. completely and more than enough. but my heart belongs to somebody else. it's not your fault. at all. i was the one who fucked up. really bad. i didn't know how to handle the situation and as much as i tried to do things right so that i didn't hurt you, i ended up doing the exact opposite. i'm terribly sorry, but you need to know that hurting you was the last thing that i wanted. —i tell her and she softly nods.</p><p>        —i know, Cal. i know you're not a bad a person.</p><p>        not knowing what to do, i just wrap my arms around her waist to pull her in a tight hug. her arms go around my neck, pulling me closer.</p><p>        —you'll find someone who can actually appreciate everything about you. you're amazing and even though this wasn't a fifty/fifty relationship, i did love it. —i tell her, pulling away from the hug.</p><p>        it's true, honestly. yeah, my heart has always belonged with Ray, but during these part two and a half years, my relationship with Skylar was really great. we were strong enough to build a good one, even if you may not believe that. i liked her a lot. the problem is that i'm still not ready to settle down that much.</p><p>        i do want that, but not this soon. i want some consistency and not what we did with Ray three years ago. the going from one place to another without even knowing where the fuck we were doing. i did want to settle down, but i wasn't talking about living in one place all the time and having kids and marriage.</p><p>        i just wanted consistency.</p><p>        and Ray is the one who can give me that now.</p><p>        she couldn't three years ago, but she can now.</p><p>        —have a great time in Paris, Calum. —she sweetly says. she presses her lips on mine for a short and soft kiss—. are you going back now, or do you wanna stay for a while? maybe, watch a movie. like old times. and also help me write emails to everyone who was attending to the wedding. —she laughs and i look down as i nod.</p><p>        —sure. i'll help you with everything. it's the least i can do. i didn't tell Ray i was gonna come back right away anyway, so i've got time. —i tell her as she grabs her laptop.</p><p>        we sit down at the dining table, her with her computer and me with the list of people who were coming.</p><p>        i'm thankful that we kept it short, honestly. we wanted a wedding with only people who were close to us. well, to Skylar, because i have no family or friends apart from her and Michael.</p><p>        —okay, first one in the list are your parents. oh my god, they're gonna fucking kill me. —i say, making her laugh.</p><p>        —i'll tell them myself. don't worry, i'm gonna tell them it was mutual.</p><p>        —you don't have to save my ass, you know? it's all my fault. —i tell her, but she shakes her head in response.</p><p>        —oh, i'm not doing it for you. i'm doing it for myself. i don't want to be seen as the girl who got dumped before the wedding. —she says, earning a chuckle from me.</p><p>        —how are taking this so well? don't get me wrong, i'm glad. i'm just surprised. —i ask.</p><p>        honestly, it's be running around my head since minute zero. she didn't cry or even yell.</p><p>        —i guess i saw it coming and to be honest, i was about to do it myself. i was slowly realizing that i could not marry me you if you belong to somebody else. i deserve more than you could've ever given to me, just like the other way around. i think we both deserve a lot, but we couldn't have given each other that. —she replies and i nod, completely agreeing with her.</p><p>        —what if we send the same email to everyone and then get a pizza? —i suggest.</p><p>        —sounds great. —she replies.</p><p>        we get on the email thing and after changing a hundred words to make it all sound better and that it was completely mutual, we send the email.</p><p>        i walk into the kitchen and throw her the phone so that she can call the pizza shop. we did that almost every single friday night, since none of us are big partiers. specially her. she's a big introvert. i like going to parties. i used to do that a lot, but then i met Skylar and i got used to spending friday nights in.</p><p>        —extra cheese, please! —i yell as i jump on the couch.</p><p>        i grab the tv remote, turning it on.</p><p>        —soda? —Skylar asks as she sits down next to me and i nod—. okay, thank you. —she says to the phone before hanging up.</p><p>        —what movie? —i ask her and she moves her lips, thinking.</p><p>        —uhm... i really wanna watch frozen. —she says, making me laugh as i nod.</p><p>        i enter disney + and click on the movie.</p><p>        —why is this easier? —i ask her before the movie can almost even begin.</p><p>        —what do you mean?</p><p>        —this. us this way is way easier to just... be. —i tell her and she nods softly.</p><p>        —everything is way easier when you're not in a relationship. —she says.</p><p>        i don't really agree with that, to be honest. things with Reagan aren't easier when we're not in a relationship. i mean, it was great when we were just friends, but after we broke up for the first time? that wasn't easy at all.</p><p>        maybe Skylar and i are better this way because the both of us knew it wasn't working, while with Reagan, it worked amazingly well. until one day it all went downhill.</p><p>        honestly, when i was with her, i thought we would spend forever together. i've told her more than once that i think she's the love of life. i guess that if you think that of someone, not being in a relationship is not easier.</p><p>        —i'm glad we're good. —i tell her and she sends me a smile before we go back to the movie.</p><p>        the pizza eventually arrives and we end up watching four movies straight. all movies for kids.</p><p>        let's be honest, you're never too grown up to watch frozen or tangled. even less when those movies are the best thing in the world.</p><p>        my phone starts vibrating in my back pocket so i take a quick glance at it. it's Reagan. i would pick it up, but i really don't wanna pause the movie or anything, so i just ignore it.</p><p>        i'll call her back later.</p><p>        i feel Skylar's head falling above my shoulder, making my head snap towards her with a small smile on my face.</p><p>        —sorry. —she jumps, waking up.</p><p>        —it's okay, you can go back to sleep. i don't mind watching the minions alone. —i playfully say, earning a big smile from her.</p><p>        —are you staying the night? —she asks and i look at the time.</p><p>        11:28 p.m.</p><p>        —yeah, i'll leave tomorrow. now, come here, sleepyhead. —i say, wrapping my arm around her, pulling her closer to me.</p><p>        she rests her head on the crook of my neck, breathing in and out softly.</p><p>        i love her.</p><p>        i'm not in love with her, but i do love her. i've always thought i didn't, but i do. i mean, i've spent a lot of time with her and want it or not, i care a lot about her. she's a part of me, no matter how much i love Reagan. just like Michael is. or my family. every single person who's important to me has a piece of me and Skylar is one of those persons.</p><p>        —Cal? —she suddenly says and i hum in response—. can we stay friends? —she asks, making me smile.</p><p>        —of course. friends. always. —i whisper back, leaving a kiss atop of her head softly.</p><p>        —Reagan is really lucky. —she mumbles.</p><p>        she is, not gonna lie.</p><p>        *flips none existent hair*</p><p>        she drifts into a deep sleep once again and as i continue to stare at the tv, i think about how it went. it's my overthinking time now. i do it with every single important situation or conversation that i over thought about before it happened. then, afterwards, i just check in and think if it was similar to any of the scenarios i made up in my head earlier.</p><p>        honestly, i didn't think she would literally know everything. i didn't think she would know anything, actually. i also didn't think she would take it so well and even less that we would find it so easy to just be friends that we agreed to stay that way.</p><p>        this conversation may not have gone the way i thought it would, but it went way better than expected.</p><p>        it's all that i could've asked for.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. vii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        —good morning —Skylar says as she walks inside the kitchen.</p><p>        —morning. i made you scrambled eggs, just like you like it —i tell her, handing her a plate with her breakfast.</p><p>        —thank you. and also for carrying me to bed last night —she laughs as we sit down at the dining table.</p><p>        —oh, it was nothing, honestly. and just so you know, my phone is full of messages about the wedding thing —i tell her.</p><p>        —same. but i'll just ignore them. some of them ask what happened. like bitch, i sent you an email, so if there's some information missing is because i don't want you to know —she says, clearly annoyed and i just laugh—. do you want me to drive you to the airport? —she asks, going all serious.</p><p>        —you don't have to, honestly. i can grab an uber or something —i tell her.</p><p>        —i'm not gonna make you pay if i can give you a ride —she insists, so i nod—. have you called her back yet?</p><p>        —how do you-</p><p>        —at this point, haven't you understood that i know everything? —she jokes, making me chuckle.</p><p>        now that i think about it, i really should call her.</p><p>        i'll probably gonna send her a text while i'm in the plane.</p><p>        —true —i say, standing up and grabbing the plate with me to put it in the sink—. how come you wanna be friends when i was the biggest jerk to you? —i suddenly ask, still not understanding how can she want me in her life.</p><p>        —you don't know how to handle stressful situations very well and you end up fucking them up. you do the wrong things for the right reasons. you're not a bad person and i've gotten to know you these past few years and you're wonderful. i wanna keep you in my life. if you're down for it, of course —she replies and i nod with a smile.</p><p>        —i would love to be in your life, Sky —i tell her.</p><p>        i enter the bedroom to grab my things, that is a big suitcase, since this time i'm going away for real. of course, i can't take absolutely everything with me, but she says she doesn't mind keeping them. she can sell some stuff if she wants, or throw them away or whatever she feels like it.</p><p>        —it's gonna be weird not having you around the house —she says as we walk out of the apartment and she closes the door behind her.</p><p>        —it will be weird for me too, but know that i'm just one call away —i say, pulling her in a side hug.</p><p>        we hop in her car and she drives off to the airport.</p><p>        once there, we enter the building, pass all the security possible and blah, blah, blah. then, we wait for my flight to be called.</p><p>        —and if, at some point you want to visit Paris, you can always stay with us. i don't know how, because there's only one bed, but we'll figure it out —i tell her, making her chuckle.</p><p>        —won't Reagan be mad that you're inviting your ex-fiancé to your house? —she asks and i raise my shoulders.</p><p>        —i'll talk to her. and since you probably know that she punched Michael, just know that she's actually really nice —i laugh.</p><p>        —i'm sure she's wonderful —she sweetly says, making me smile.</p><p>        a voice that sounds through the speakers calls out my flight, so i immediately wrap my arms around her, pulling her in a tight hug.</p><p>        —bye, Sky —i mumble.</p><p>        —bye, Cal. i'll see you someday —she playfully says as she pulls away.</p><p>        —i'm gonna miss you —i truthfully says.</p><p>        i am going to. even though i've always been in love with Reagan, as i said earlier, i've also gotten used to Skylar. it's gonna be weird not having her around.</p><p>        —i'm gonna miss you too —she says.</p><p>        —call me if you need anything, okay? —i tell her and she nods, so i turn around to go back to Paris.</p><p>        once i'm in my seat, i send i quick text to Ray, telling her that i'm coming. she doesn't reply, though, which confuses me a little. i know it's like 3 a.m. there, but i'm positive that she's still awake.</p><p>        she always is.</p><p>        besides, today is saturday, so she does not work.</p><p>        during the first part of the flight, the only thing i do is listen to music or make music. it's not like i play guitar in the plane like no one's there. i just think of lyrics and hum melodies inside my head.</p><p>        once we stop to refill, i decide to call Reagan, because she hasn't answered any of my texts and it's kinda worrying me.</p><p>        —hey, why haven't you been answering? —i tell her once she picks it up.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>wow, chill. i just woke up. and to be fair, you ignored me first —</em>she snaps with a sleepy voice.</p><p>        —Ray, come on... i didn't ignore you. i was with Skylar and i couldn't- i'm sorry —i apologize and i just hear her laugh at the other side of the line.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>Cal, i was kidding. i get it —</em>she laughs—. <em>yesterday was a rough day at work so i fell asleep and i didn't wake up until now —</em>she adds, making me nod as i sigh in relief—. <em>how much of the plane ride do you have left?</em><em> —</em>she asks.</p><p>        —like eight hours more —i reply.</p><p>        —<em>that sucks. anyway, i would come pick you up, but i don't have a car —</em>she says.</p><p>        —don't worry. i'll grab a cab. i'll get there at like 2am —i laugh.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>nah, that's early, actually —</em>she replies.</p><p>        —for you it's early, but not for the rest of the population —i say and i can sense her rolling her eyes.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>anyway, i'll see you in a few hours. and tell me how it went, okay? </em>—she says.</p><p>        —of course. bye, Ray. i love you.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i love you too. bye —</em>she says back before hanging up the phone.</p><p>        i lean back in my seat, looking upwards with a dreamy smile on.</p><p>        i'm so excited to see her.</p><p>        i'm also really glad that she didn't get mad at me for not calling her back within two days. now that i think about it, she's never been mad at me. well, she yells at me when she's drunk, but she's never mad, mad, if you know what i mean. not even when we broke up. honestly, our break up conversation was the hardest and the saddest conversation i've ever had with someone.</p><p>        those minutes were the worsts of my life, hands down.</p><p>        once the endless eight hours finally end, i get out of the airport to grab a cab to take me to the apartment.</p><p>        i haven't talked to her about moving in with her, but i hope she's okay with it. i mean, we're not a couple right now. wait, what are we exactly? last time i asked her, she said we were friends. but that was before she kissed me and before we made out in the shower.</p><p>        i think we will probably have to talk about that too.</p><p>        the truth is that we have a lot of unfinished business and things we still need to sort out.</p><p>        when the cab parks in front of Reagan's apartment, it's almost 2 a.m. it's completely dark and there are barely and cars or persons around. i hand the money to the driver before hopping off and take my luggage out of the trunk.</p><p>        i take the elevator and before i can even knock on her door, i see that it's already a little opened. i step in, closing it behind me to let Reagan know that i'm here in case that she's awake.</p><p>        what am i saying? of course she's awake.</p><p>        the lights are all off, but then, i spot some candles above the dining table.</p><p>        there she is. sitting in a chair, a glass of wine in her hand and another one resting on the opposite side of the table. she's just wearing a t-shirt that's so transparent that i can almost see through it.</p><p>        i lick my lips as i walk towards her.</p><p>        —well, hey there —i say, earning a smirk from her as she takes a sip of wine, leaning back in the chair lightly.</p><p>        she's so hot when she drinks wine. i can't even begin to explain it.</p><p>        —hey there —she says.</p><p>        she's wearing red lipstick.</p><p>        fuck.</p><p>        she knows my fetishes too fucking well.</p><p>        —hey, i found this old t-shirt in the back of my closet. do you like it? i love it, honestly, even though i think it's pretty old and you can rip it really easily —she says innocently, knowing perfectly fine what she's doing.</p><p>        —it rips easily? that's some bad quality right there —i continue joke.</p><p>        even though she wants to continue the teasing, she can't help but look down and smile.</p><p>        —so, how did it go? —she says, taking on last sip before standing up and walking closer towards me.</p><p>        she can't wear no shorts and expect me to control myself. when she sits on my lap, facing me with each thigh on either side of my legs, i have to warn her.</p><p>        —Ray, if you keep going that way, i'm gonna get a hard —i mumble, making her burst out laughing, but she quickly picks herself up.</p><p>        —that's the fun part, Cal. this is- forget it. let's just keep going with the game —she says and i nod.</p><p>        —yeah, yeah, sure. completely understood —i say nervous and she sends me a small smile.</p><p>        —so, how did it go?</p><p>        —i'm not getting married anymore —i whisper, looking down at her lips, licking mine.</p><p>        —that's interesting —she replies—. so, what would you like to do to celebrate? anything in mind? —she teases, giving me a big smirk, running her hands up and down my chest.</p><p>        i know this is basically, who loses control first, loses, so i just breathe in and out deeply, wanting to hold myself together for a little longer.</p><p>        —are you okay? you seem really tense —she says, massaging my shoulders, leaning forward so that i have a full view of her tits.</p><p>        that's unfair. she has boobs. i don't.</p><p>        —also, apart from the t-shirt, i also bought a new lipstick. do you like it? —she says with an innocent smile on her face, but honestly, i barely pay attention to what she's saying, i just stare at her perfect shaped lips. and when she bites her lower one, i fucking lose control. i smash my lips on her, my hands travelling to her ass, not being able to resist.</p><p>        she sends me a cocky smile, knowing that she won and i just kiss her again.</p><p>        she pulls away, standing up and before she can do anything else, i grab her by the thighs. she jumps, wrapping her legs around my waist.</p><p>        —i've missed you —she whispers shyly.</p><p>        —i've missed you too —i say back.</p><p>        she presses her lips on mine hungrily and i walk towards the first wall that i see, smashing her back against it, causing the painting beside us swing from side to side. i grab her by the ass this time so that she can be in a higher position. i throw my head back even more and she pushes my hair backwards softly.</p><p>        as the make out session gets heated, it comes to a point where kisses are not enough.</p><p>        i just want to touch every single part of her body.</p><p>        i immediately pull her away from the wall and lay her down in the bed. i start kissing down her neck as i place myself over her, but she stops.</p><p>        —what? did i do something- —i can't even finish my sentence, because she whispers in my ear.</p><p>        —rip the t-shirt off for your first surprise and then, fuck the shit out of me, would you? —she whispers.</p><p>        that turns me on so much that i do not hesitate to rip off her t-shirt and throw it away.</p><p>        —fuck —i breathe out when i see she's wearing black lingerie.</p><p>        my favorite.</p><p>        —i remember that you once told me you would buy me some for our anniversary, so i thought, why not do it myself? —she says and i breathe in out deeply.</p><p>        —you drive me insane. you have no fucking idea —i mumble, making her smirk.</p><p>        —i'm gonna take that as a compliment. now, just fuck me —she whispers and i nod.</p><p>        i attach my lips hers and i slowly leave kisses down her jaw and neck until i reach her bra.</p><p>        —as much as i love it, it looks better on the floor —i slowly mumble, teasingly tracing my finger on the part of the strap that touches the skin.</p><p>        i sneak one arm around her, unclasping it and throwing it away. i also take a moment to take my t-shirt off, just like my shoes, since i'm fully clothed.</p><p>        as i kiss down her stomach, i grab her by the neck softly, keeping her from moving much as slow moans scape her mouth. i make sure i don't hurt her, of course. that's the last thing i want.</p><p>        remember kids: sex is supposed to be fun, not hurtful.</p><p>        i look up at her for consent and she nods, so i proceed to take her panties off as well. i lock eyes with her and i send her a wink.</p><p>        let the night begin.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. viii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        the soft light of the morning that enters through the two big windows wakes me up. i open my eyes slowly and i look around to make sure that last night did happen.</p><p>        i look down to see Reagan's naked body laying next to mine. the sheets are really messy and they're not covering us at all; they're almost falling off the bed. i pull them up and over us, noticing how curled up Reagan is. she's probably cold.</p><p>        a grin grows on my face as i look to the ceiling, recalling all the events from last night.</p><p>        fuck, that was really, really good.</p><p>        i see the candles still lighting up the place a little bit, even though you can barely see the light they make. there's also the two almost empty glasses of wine above the table and every single piece of clothing is laying on the floor in really random places.</p><p>        i look at the clock hanging on the wall and i see that i only slept like four hours.</p><p>        it's eight in the morning.</p><p>        now i understand why the light is so soft.</p><p>        the early morning breeze fills up the apartment and caresses us softly, making Reagan's hair flutter lightly, just like all the leaves from the plants in the apartment.</p><p>        everything is quiet. i can only hear her slow breathing. there are no noises coming from the street. for some reason, today, the city is peaceful. can it be because it's sunday?</p><p>        i feel Reagan move slightly next to me and i look down again to see her rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands.</p><p>        she's so cute.</p><p>        —good morning —she mumbles with a sleepy voice, eyes half closed.</p><p>        she hugs me tighter, burying her head in the crook of my neck and letting out a deep breath. i leave a kiss on her forehead softly before caressing her hair with one hand.</p><p>        —good morning, love.</p><p>        —i'm tired —she mumbles, her eyes closing again.</p><p>        —go back to sleep then —i softly reply, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —no, it's okay. i prefer to do this —she says and proceeds to press her lips on mine softly. i smile widely, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world.</p><p>        now that i think about it, i probably am.</p><p>        —yeah, i prefer if you do that as well —i playfully say, making her chuckle.</p><p>        —we're in the same page then —she says, kissing me again.</p><p>        i flip us over, wrapping my opposite arm around her, making her laugh.</p><p>        —i loved last night —she tells me.</p><p>        —and i love you —i reply, a smile growing across her face.</p><p>        —you make me really happy, Calum Thomas Hood —she says and i press my lips on hers, not being able to express how i feel right now.</p><p>        i sit back up, pulling her with me. she sits on my lap, legs around my waist and hands grabbing the back of my head softly. the messy sheets are all over the bed, covering us a little bit as they get in between our two naked bodies.</p><p>        the soft light of early morning makes her skin glow and her brown eyes seem a lot lighter than they actually are. they seem hazel right now.</p><p>        her hair is also an absolute mess, even more than the sheets, which is saying something. she notices, so she quickly pulls it up in one of those messy buns of hers.<br/>       <br/>        —be mine again. and let me be yours as well. i'm dying to call you baby once again and i would love to live with you. i just want to start over, right where we left off —i say, earning a big smile from her, but she still has worried eyes.</p><p>        —it didn't go well the first time. what if it falls apart again? —she says and i cup her face softly.</p><p>        —then, we will pick up the pieces and we will try again. we will do that once, and twice and we will start over, and over, and over, until we finally get it right —i reply and she stays quiet, debating what to do inside her head—. i'm in love with you and if there's one thing that i've learned, is that no matter what, i always find my way back home, which is right next to you. i believe we can make it out alive. do you?</p><p>        she looks at me for a second and i just wait for her to answer.</p><p>        —let's do this —she replies, making me the happiest guy in the history of the earth.</p><p>        i press my lips on hers again, holding her by the small of her back.</p><p>        —wanna make breakfast and dance around? —she asks, pulling away softly and i nod.</p><p>        —that sounds great.</p><p>        she climbs off my lap and gets out of bed, just like i do. she puts on some panties and also one of my t-shirts that she has. i put on some boxers and also sweatpants before walking inside the kitchen with her following me suit.</p><p>        —pancakes? —she asks and i nod.</p><p>        as she starts doing her thing, i walk towards the living room to turn on the radio.</p><p>        —uuuuu turn it up! you know i love the smiths! —Reagan yells from the kitchen as <em>there is a light that never goes out </em>starts playing through the speakers.</p><p>        —as you wish —i reply, turning the volume up.</p><p>        i run back to the kitchen and wrap my arms around her from behind, lifting her up.</p><p>        —Cal, stop, i'm trying to make pancakes! —she argues, letting out a laugh.</p><p>        —boooooring —i whine, earning an eye roll from her, but a second later, i leave a peck on her lips—. to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die —i sing once that part comes along and she sends me a big smile—. hey, now that i think about it —i start, making her head snap towards me—. i still have a second surprise.</p><p>        —oh my god, true. i completely forgot. let me go get it —she says, walking away.</p><p>        —how many things do you keep underneath that bed? —i say with a laugh when i see her pulling something out of there—. wait —i say as soon as i realize what that is—. a guitar?</p><p>        that was not what i expected.</p><p>        at all.</p><p>        —i bought it for our anniversary but we never got there so i never gave it to you. i wasn't gonna force you to play, but i just wanted you to know that if you ever wanted, you would have something to start with —she explains handing it to me. i immediately leave it above the dining table and open the case to take out the guitar.</p><p>        i would give her what i bought her for our anniversary, but i can't.</p><p>        i can't give her an engagement ring.</p><p>        yeah, i bought one. i was going to propose to her, but we never got there, so i never did.</p><p>        —wait, this is the guitar i've always wanted. i've told you that one time. how do you remember all this stuff? —i tell her once i see what acoustic guitar it is.</p><p>        —i don't know, i just do —she shrugs.</p><p>        —Ray, this guitar is really fucking expensive —i point out and she simply nods—. let me pay for it. at least, half of it —i say, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —absolutely not. i bought it for you, so you ain't paying anything —she stubbornly says.</p><p>        —thank you —i breathe out, giving in.</p><p>        —now you can play me all the songs in which you call me a bitch —she jokes, making me chuckle.</p><p>        —i have one song i want you to hear —i say, picking up the guitar and sitting above the kitchen counter.</p><p>        she continues the making the pancakes and i just put the instrument in my lap.</p><p>        —uhm... well, this one is for piano, but i can play it with a guitar anyway. i don't call you a bitch in this one, but i'm showing it to you because it's one of my favorites that i've written —i start, introducing the song—. it's called <em>forever —</em>i add before starting to sing.</p><p>
  <em>
    <b>a/n: just dropping in to say that the lyrics are from the song forever by Lewis Capaldi. A FUCKING MASTERPIECE.</b>
  </em>
</p><p>        the first verse goes by and as soon as i start singing the chorus, she stops making the pancakes. her head snaps towards me with a sad face and i just lock eyes with her.</p><p>        <em>"darling, nobody said that it would last forever.</em><br/><em>that doesn't mean we didn't try to get there.</em><br/><em>i never said that we would die together.</em><br/><em>that doesn't mean it was a lie, remember.</em><br/><em>nobody said that it would last forever."</em><br/>       <br/>        this song is one of my favorites because it's the one that helped me most at moving on. i know i was never over her, but it did help me realize that in any moment, i knew for sure we would be end game. as the lyrics says: <em>nobody said that it would last forever</em>.</p><p>        i made up in my head what it would be like to die after spending all my life with her, when truth is, i couldn't know if that was gonna happen. we did try and we did fight and we did have a great time, but even though it was amazing, nobody said it was gonna last forever.</p><p>        and when i wrote that, it was when it hit me. i couldn't know for sure.</p><p>        i couldn't be mad that it ended, because nobody told me it wasn't going to.</p><p>        <em>"head in my hands, cold coffee on the table.</em><br/><em>wish you the best, i would if i was able.</em><br/><em>morning light, it stings a little.</em><br/><em>out of my mind, i don't remember calling.</em><br/><em>had too much tonic wine, sometimes it does the talking.</em><br/><em>hope you know i wish you all the love you're looking for."</em></p><p>        she looks down for a second and for a moment i think she wants me to stop, but i just keep going. she doesn't stop staring at me for the rest of the song and finally, the last verse comes along.</p><p>        <em>"nobody said that it would last forever,</em><br/><em>that doesn't mean we didn't try to get there.</em><br/><em>i never said that we would die together,</em><br/><em>that doesn't mean it was a lie.</em><br/><em>they'll never take those long summer days,</em><br/><em>when love was untamed.</em><br/><em>two burning hearts are dared to break, remember</em><br/><em>nobody said that it would last forever."</em></p><p>        i finish and wait for her to say something, but she doesn't.</p><p>        —hey, hey, hey, don't cry —i say with a small laugh when i see her eyes watery. i jump off the counter, leaving the guitar above and cupping her face softly.</p><p>        —i'm sorry. you just sing like an angel —she mumbles, letting out a sniff at the end, making me laugh softly—. besides, that was sad —she adds and i wipe her tears away with a smile.</p><p>        —thank you for the angel thing —i say with a wide grin across my face.</p><p>        —sing another one. please —she says, earning a chuckle from me—. i love them —she shyly adds, looking down—. don't get me wrong, it's not that i like that you were in pain. i hate that. you know i love seeing you smile and i would do anything for you to be happy all the time and never be sad, but i mean, you have an amazing vo- —she starts rambling on, while i just smile widely.</p><p>        she's so cute when she gets nervous.</p><p>        i decide to cut her off by pressing my lips on hers before she can ramble on any longer. i can feel her melting in the kiss.</p><p>        i love how i'm the only one who she has a soft spot for.</p><p>        if she ever makes another friend and becomes really close with them, i would be totally okay with that. i don't own her at all. i have no right to tell her with who she can be friends with. she's mine, she's in a relationship with me, but that doesn't mean i can just control her life.</p><p>        again: i don't own her.<br/>       <br/>        she's her own person.</p><p>        and i love that about her. i love how independent she is. it's probably one of my favorite things about her.<br/>       <br/>        but not gonna lie, i love having her for myself.</p><p>        —you're adorable —i mumble as i pull away and i see her blush, making my eyes widen—. Reagan Anne Jones, are you blushing?</p><p>        it's the first time she blushes at something i tell her. she never does that. she always has something to say back.</p><p>        —what? no! i don't blush —she snaps, even though she knows she blushed.</p><p>        —i love knowing i can make you blush —i say with a smile and she just nudges me in the shoulder.</p><p>        —shut up and sing another song —she says and goes back to cooking the last pancakes.<br/>       <br/>        —as you wish —i say, jumping on the counter once again.</p><p>        i sing a couple more songs as she finishes cooking breakfast and once she's done, we both sit down in the couch. we watch silly cartoons, as always and we have lots of tickle fights.</p><p>        honestly, it was so worth it going through all that pain and suffering and everything if it meant that we would get back together and try again to see if we get it right this time.</p><p>        —why don't you just do this? —she suddenly says, making my head snap away from the tv to look at her.</p><p>        —what do you mean?</p><p>        —like, your songs are absolute masterpieces. why don't you try to be a musician? i'm sure you'll make it. everyone will love your songs. i'm positive about it —she says and i shake my head in response.</p><p>        —don't think i haven't thought about it, but i just don't want that. it's something i do for myself and i just don't want to share it —i reply.</p><p>        if sometimes i go to a coffee shop and sing in front of people, then great, but i don't wanna be a musician. music is my escape most of the times, but if i do make it, i don't want the fame part. i'm happy right now and i would not change a thing about my life.</p><p>        —you could make it. people would listen to your songs. why won't you try? —she softly asks.</p><p>        —Ray, i don't need people to listen to my songs —i tell her.</p><p>        —but the world does need to hear them —she pushes it and i shake my head once again.</p><p>        —you are my world, so with you hearing them, it's enough. it's way more than enough. music is something i do for myself and i'm really happy that you're the only person i share it with —i tell her, cupping her face softly.</p><p>        —okay. whatever that makes you happy, Cal. just know that you will always have one fan —she says, making me smile as she connects our lips for a short kiss—. i love you —she whispers, pulling away for a second.<br/>       <br/>        —i love you too, baby —i say—. you've never been like this. so sweet and shy and... i don't know... are you okay? —i laugh.</p><p>        she never blushes, and even though she's always been really caring, she's being weird.</p><p>        —i know i'm acting different. i'm noticing that too. i'm a softie, but not this much —she says back, earning a chuckle from me.</p><p>        —everything okay? —i ask her and she nods.</p><p>        —yeah. i guess, i'm just still processing things. i mean, i've spent three years missing you and wondering every day how were you doing and trying to fill that void that you left when i lost you, that i just can't believe that all of sudden i've got you back. you're with me and i'm just so happy —she says, caressing my cheek softly before leaving a kiss on my lips.</p><p>        —come here —i mumble, laying down in the couch with my back against the arm rest and opening my arms for her.</p><p>        she scoots closer to me, laying in between my legs with her back against my chest.</p><p>        —do you want me to sing you another song? —i ask and she nods excitedly like a little kid—. can you go grab my notebook from my suitcase, please? —i ask her and she nods again, standing up.</p><p>        i'm gonna let her choose the song, so i'm just gonna make her go through the notebook and choose one by the lyrics. besides, i don't know perfectly every single one of the songs i've wrote.</p><p>        she lays down in the same position and hands me the guitar. i wrap my arms around her, resting the instrument in front of her so that i can play. she starts going through all the pages of the notebook until she spots one that she seems to find interesting.</p><p>        —i drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted. i thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted —she reads out loud before looking up at me—. can you sing this one? —she asks and i nod.</p><p>        —you chose one from the depressed phase, i see —i say with a laugh and she just shrugs.</p><p>        —i apologize in advance if i cry —she adds, making me chuckle.</p><p>        i leave a kiss above her head before starting the song.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. ix</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i love every second with her.</p><p>        every single day with her is the best day of my life. no kidding. i'm smiling the twenty-four hours because she makes me so happy. that's why i was so miserable without her.</p><p>        —do you like my dress? —she asks, walking out of the bathroom. i look at her from the couch and she walks closer to me so that i can look at her better.</p><p>        it's a tight black dress that reaches just above her knees. it doesn't have sleeves or even straps.</p><p>        —i can't let you go out like that, baby —i say, earning an eye roll from her.</p><p>        —do you like it or not? —she asks and i stand up, wrapping my arms around her waist. hers travel to my neck immediately.</p><p>        —i love it. you're beautiful —i say, pressing my lips on her—. and i'm gonna love it even more when i rip it off tonight —i whisper, pulling away for a second and i just earn another eye roll—. it's the first time i see you in a dress, actually. what's the occasion?</p><p>        we're going to a bar tonight to get some drinks, but i don't know what's different about today from all the other times we've done that.</p><p>        i'm not complaining, though. she should wear dresses more often, because i'm loving this.</p><p>        —i just want to make it easier for you to take my clothes off afterwards —she teases with a smile, making me know that that's not the reason, but i'm just gonna make like it is.</p><p>        —i won't hesitate to punch every single guy who stares at you —i tell her and she gives me a look of disbelief.</p><p>        —i can take care of myself, thank you very much and if they stare, i don't care. i mean... i would too if i saw someone this hot in the street —she cockily says, showing herself off.</p><p>        —and i'm the cocky one —i scoff, making her laugh.</p><p>        —let's go? —she says and i nod in response, grabbing my phone from the coffee table.</p><p>        we walk out of the apartment and head to the bar.</p><p>        —i love friday nights —i say, grabbing her by the waist, pulling her closer to me to leave a kiss on her temple.</p><p>        —i love every single day with you —she replies, resting her head on my shoulder for a moment.</p><p>        we get to the pub five minutes later and she immediately runs towards one of the pool tables.</p><p>        —wanna play? —she asks, grabbing two pool sticks and handing me one.</p><p>        —you're gonna win. like always —i say with a laugh.</p><p>        —come ooooon. if you play, i invite you to whiskey —she says, my eyebrows shooting upwards, finding that proposition very interesting.</p><p>        —sure. go get those whiskeys. oh, and also a beer please —i say and she sends me a big smile before leaving a kiss on my cheek and walking away.</p><p>        i put the balls in that weird triangle and right when i finish, Reagan appears with two beers and two glasses of whiskey in hand. she lets them down in the little stand that's beside the pool table and grabs her stick.</p><p>        —you go first —she says and i nod.</p><p>        i crunch down a little and grab the pool stick in the best way that i can.</p><p>        —you remind me of when i pretended i didn't know how to play, except that you ain't pretending —she says, starting to laugh her ass off.</p><p>        —asshole —i mutter as i kick the white ball.</p><p>        —i'm sorry —she says, but her laughter still doesn't die down—. okay. i'm good. sorry —she says—. i'm gonna take this seriously now.</p><p>        she grabs the glass of whiskey and finishes it in one big sip, my eyes widening.</p><p>        —this is not a shot, you know? —i tell her.</p><p>        —ouuuuu, sounds good. go get shots —she says, completely twisting what i just said—. i'm not kidding —she adds.</p><p>        —okay, be right back —i tell her, turning around to get two shots.</p><p>        i ain't getting more, because i'm already seeing her drunk as fuck.</p><p>        —have you played yet? —i ask her and she shakes her head.</p><p>        she kicks the white ball and the number eleven enters one of the holes, making me let out a sigh.</p><p>        i can't even hold the damn stick properly.</p><p>        —how are you so good at this? now i'm serious —i say, taking a sip of my whiskey. slowly, like a normal person, not like it's fucking water like she did.</p><p>        —my dad taught me —she starts, kicking the white ball again so that number three gets in one hole—. there was a pub not really far from home and he always went there with his friends —she continues.<br/>       <br/>        she misses the next one, probably on purpose, since now i have it really easy to put the number seven. i'm sure it's staged.</p><p>        i crunch down a little, grabbing the stick and she walks all the way around the table, taking a sip of beer.</p><p>        i look up a little bit just to look at her for a second.</p><p>        she's perfect.</p><p>        i know that perfection doesn't exist and that everyone has a different version or vision or whatever about what it is, but to me, she's the definition of absolute perfection.</p><p>        i love her dark brown hair that falls down her shoulders and back. her beautiful brown eyes, that seem almost hazel in the morning light. i love her thin pink lips and her small nose, that for some reason is always cold during winter.</p><p>        i love everything.</p><p>        —you're so bad at this —she softly says, wrapping her arms around me from behind and grabbing my hands that are holding the pool stick—. you need to relax and when you kick the white ball, it's important that the movement is fast and quick. you can't go with the ball, if that makes sense. you just gotta kick it. it has to be quick and dry —she says and i turn my head to one side to look up at her. she's focused on the white ball, so i can see her side profile.</p><p>        —i love you —i whisper, earning a big smile from her.</p><p>        —i love you too —she says back before going back to the game—. okay, ready? —she asks and i nod in response.</p><p>        she lets me go and i try to focus on all the indications that she gave me. i kick the ball and magically, the ball enters the hole.</p><p>        —no way —i mumble.</p><p>        —i'm the best teacher ever! —Reagan yells, taking a sip of her beer once again.</p><p>        i go again, but i don't make it.</p><p>        i think it was beginner's luck, honestly.</p><p>        —continue the story —i tell her when she grabs her pool stick and crunches down, her chin almost touching the borders of the table as she looks at the white ball.</p><p>        —okay. uhm... well, he always wanted to show me how to play, but mom didn't let him. she didn't want me in that pub or around all that men that went there —she continues, kicking the white ball and making the number three enter the hole.</p><p>        she stands back up before walking around the pool table, thinking about her next move. i just stand there, resting my weight on the pool stick and not taking my eyes off her.</p><p>        —one day, when i was like seven and mom was out of town with Chase, dad had to take care me, and he decided to say a big a fuck you to what mom said —she continues, crunching down once more, just like before—. he took me to the pub and started to show me how it worked. it was funny because the pool stick was taller than me at the time, so it's not like i did much, but i did watch every single thing that he did —she says, pausing for a second to kick the white ball again, of course, the ball with the number twelve, entering the hole.</p><p>        —did your mom let you go back to the pub? —i ask curiously and she shakes her head.</p><p>        —no. she considered it dangerous, but dad saw how much i loved pool, so he took me there anyway. mom didn't know. every single afternoon we told her that we were going to the park and instead, we went to the bar and dad gave me classes —she says, kicking again and missing this time.</p><p>        in purpose, of course.</p><p>        she could've won since the beginning if she wanted to, but i know that she wants me to play a little bit.</p><p>        —i eventually grew up and i continued to learn. he showed me all of his tricks until i could beat almost anyone —she finishes, taking another sip of her beer.</p><p>        i crunch down and a second later, i feel her arms around me, just like before.</p><p>        —relax, imagine where you want the ball to go and kick it. fast and dry —she reminds me and i nod, trying to do as she says.</p><p>        she grabs my hand softly and then lets it go once i'm holding the pool stick correctly, so i bring it backwards before kicking the white ball.</p><p>        —there you go. you got it! —she says with a smile when the ball enters the hole—. try again.</p><p>        i walk towards the other side of the table and crunch down again, holding the stick just like she told me to.</p><p>        —fuck —i mumble when i see that i should've kicked it with more strength and she just laughs.</p><p>        —it was good. the technique was perfect. you just need to adjust a little bit the strength, but it was great —she says, walking closer to me as she drinks more beer.</p><p>        —thank you for teaching me —i say and she sends me smile.</p><p>        —of course, Hood. now let me finish this —she cockily says as she kicks the white ball without even thinking it much.</p><p>        she just knows exactly how to do it.</p><p>        she's so good at it.</p><p>        —and, the last one —she says as the number six enters the hole—. i don't really know who won —she jokes, making me roll my eyes at her.</p><p>        —you're the worst —i mumble and she just sends me a wink before finishing her drink.</p><p>        —i'm going to the bathroom. i'll call you if i puke —she adds, making me laugh.</p><p>        —i shouldn't have let you drink that whiskey that fast. i'm sorry —i say when i see her grabbing her stomach, but she shakes her head.</p><p>        —Calum, i'm a grown-up woman. i'm twenty-five. i make my own bad decisions and i am not your responsibility —she says before turning around and walking towards the bathroom.</p><p>        she's twenty-five.</p><p>        i completely forgot.</p><p>        i met her when she was twenty-one and for some reason i didn't think that four years have passed since then. i knew she would grow up, but it didn't cross my mind until now.</p><p>        —hi —a girl says, walking up to me and i just stare at her.</p><p>        —hi —i say back.</p><p>        i feel her hand on my bicep, making my head snap towards her with a frown. i grab her wrist and politely get her hand off me.</p><p>        —what is a guy like you doing here alone? —she continues, clearly not getting the hint.</p><p>        —i'm not alone. i'm here with my girl —i answer and it's like she didn't hear the girlfriend part, because she just keeps on touching my arm—. okay, enough —i say, pushing her away.</p><p>        can't she get it?</p><p>        —i said i- —i start again, but she cuts me off.</p><p>        —i don't see her —she says.</p><p>        —you see her now —Reagan says, approaching the girl.</p><p>        before i can say the girl or me can say anything, Reagan sits above the pool table and grabs me by the collar of my t-shirt, pulling me closer. her lips touch mine immediately and i see the other girl rolling her eyes before walking away.</p><p>        —well, hello jealous Reagan —i say as i pull away slightly and she sends me a smile.</p><p>        —i get possessive, what can i say? i'm toxic —she jokes.</p><p>        —i love toxic —i say back before pressing my lips on her.</p><p>        my hands find their way to his back and later to her ass, not being able to resist when she's wearing this dress.</p><p>        —Calum, not here —she mumbles when i start kissing down her neck.</p><p>        —i know, i knooooow —i groan, pulling away and leaving one last peck on her lips.</p><p>        —do you wanna drink the shots? —she asks with a cheeky smile on her face and i nod.</p><p>        she stays sitting above the pool table and i reach for the two little glasses. i hand her one and we toast before drinking them like she drank that whiskey.</p><p>        —wow, that's strong —she says and i nod as i close my eyes shut for a second as i feel the burning on my throat—. i'm gonna puke a lot in no time —she mumbles.</p><p>        —i mean, whiskey, beer and shot. strong —i say and she nods.</p><p>        —yeah, you're probably right. well, tomorrow is saturday so we got nothing to do anyway —she replies.</p><p>        —i know, but i don't really like spending a saturday with an awful hangover.</p><p>        —i agree, it's not the best thing, but the pool and the whiskey are worth everything —she says.</p><p>        —you smell like alcohol —i point out and for some reason we both burst out laughing.</p><p>        i think we're a little drunk.</p><p>        —maybe it's just the clothes and not me —she says back.</p><p>        —maybe —i simply say softly as i look into her eyes.</p><p>        —you will have to figure it out —she whispers—. rip the clothes off.</p><p>        i stare at her for a long moment, trying to control myself and not fuck her right there, above that pool table.</p><p>        —i said. rip. them. off —she whispers in my ear, her lips touching my skin.</p><p>        she pulls away and i immediately smash my lips on hers, not being able to resist. i grab her by her ass before lifting her up so that she's no longer sitting above the table.</p><p>        i carry her out of the pub, my lips dying to meet hers again, but i really need to know where i'm going and make sure that i'm not gonna bump into anyone.</p><p>        besides, i'm really dizzy and some things are slightly blurry.</p><p>        she starts laughing as i carry her out, almost running so that i can kiss her again.</p><p>        as soon as we're out of the pub, i press her back against the wall, in the middle of the street. i connect our lips, desperate for her touch. her fingers tangled in my hair and i throw my head back a little bit once i lift her up even more.</p><p>        the kiss becomes slower and more passionate than desperate. her lips mold into mine for one last kiss as she holds my face with two hands softly.</p><p>        —let's get this to the apartment.</p><p>        this is gonna be fun.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. x</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        —look what i bought you! —Ray happily says as she enters the apartment after coming back from work.</p><p>        i immediately put the guitar down and close my notebook before standing up from the couch to walk closer to her.</p><p>        —what is it? —i ask as i help her with all the bags from the grocery store—. what did you buy me? —i ask like a little child, looking inside all the bags to look for something i especially like.</p><p>        —it's not in there, idiot —she says, making me stop searching—. it's in this one.</p><p>        —that's the book i've wanted to read for a while! —i say as she hands me <em>noughts and crosses </em>by <em>Malorie</em><em> Blackman—. </em>i don't understand how you remember the things i tell you about one time for five minutes.</p><p>        —you like it? —she asks and i nod.</p><p>        —of course i do! thank you, baby —i truthfully say, not believing that she bought me that just because.</p><p>        —i was coming back from work and i walked by a book store and i remembered that you told me you wanted it, so i bought it —she explains, as if it's not a big deal.</p><p>        she remembered and she cared enough to go there and buy it for me without me asking her or without being our anniversary or christmas.</p><p>        —thank you so much. i can't- i didn't buy you anything —i say, now feeling a little bit bad.</p><p>        she gave me two surprises when i came back from Sydney and now this. i'm literally living in her apartment and she buys me gifts?</p><p>        as i said, i would give her the anniversary present, but for now, that ring is staying a secret.</p><p>        —don't worry. you didn't have to. i bought it because i wanted to —she sweetly says and not knowing what to say, i wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her in a tight hug.</p><p>        —i love you so much. thank you —i say, earning a smile from her.</p><p>        —of course. and i love you too.</p><p>        my phone vibrates on the kitchen counter so i take a look to see that's Skylar who's texting me.</p><p>        —you still talk to her? —Reagan asks, a little unsure.</p><p>        —i mean, we agreed to stay friends, but this is the first time we text since i left Sydney —i answer and she just nods—. does it bother you?</p><p>        —it's not that it bothers me, because i trust you with my life, you know that, and i don't have any say in who you're friends with, i just did not expect you to keep in touch with her, that's all. but, it's none of my business, honestly —she says slowly, with a low voice, almost whispering.</p><p>        —are you sure?</p><p>        —yeah, just promise me there's nothing between you two —she replies.</p><p>        —there's absolutely nothing. i love you. only you, okay? —i say, trying to reassure her and she nods in response, a little unsure—. good —i say, leaving a kiss on her temple—. i'm gonna shower now. wanna join me?</p><p>        —no, i'm gonna organise everything i bought. you go —she replies and i nod, walking away to enter the bathroom.</p><p>        not being able to resist, i close the door just enough so that i can see a little bit. she's looking at my phone from afar, probably debating what to do.</p><p>        —Reagan, no. you trust Calum —she says to herself, making me smile at how cute she is—. yes, he keeps in touch with his ex-fiancé, but you're cool with it, because there's nothing going on. you love him, he loves you and he will never hurt you —she continues, convincing herself not to go through my phone.</p><p>        i know she knows my password. i gave it to her just like she told me hers. it's cool because that way we trust each other in not going through the other's phone and also not having the need to do that since you have the password that gives you the calmness that the other person is not hiding anything.</p><p>        —if he says there's nothing, then, there's nothing. he loves you very, very much. everything is great between the two of you and this is gonna last forever. unicorns and rainbows. okay, i'm good —she finishes before turning around and walking towards the couch to sit down.</p><p>        i smile to myself before closing the door fully and undressing myself.</p><p>        i knew that she wasn't going to go through my phone, but i loved to see her talking to herself anyway.</p><p>        trust is key in a relationship and i'm so happy than she trusts me so much. i mean, she literally saw a text from my ex-fiancé and had the chance to look whatever that she wanted, but she didn't.</p><p>        i gained her trust.</p><p>        i don't know how, but i did.</p><p>        and i know how hard it is for her to trust someone and she chose me. she gave me her everything and i gave the same back.</p><p>        i step out of the shower once i'm done and put on some sweatpants before walking out of the bathroom as i dry my hair with my towel.</p><p>        —Calum, what is this? —Reagan asks with a trembling voice.</p><p>        i stop drying my hair to look at her and when i see her sitting at the edge of the bed with a little box in hand, i close my eyes slowly.</p><p>        —fuck —i breathe out.</p><p>        she keeps on looking at me, completely frozen and i feel her breathing slowly becoming faster.</p><p>        —Calum, what the fuck is this? —she asks again with a really scared face.</p><p>        —an engagement ring —i answer, even though she already knows that.</p><p>        —what was it doing in your suitcase? —she asks and i look down as i run one hand through my hair.</p><p>        —i bought it three years ago, before we broke up. you know, for our anniversary —i tell her, but she just keeps staring at me with a shocked face.</p><p>        —you bought an-</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —for our-</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —so you were gonna-</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —oh.</p><p>        that's all she lets out, still probably not knowing how to react.</p><p>        i'm one hundred percent sure that me proposing to her never crossed her mind. not even once. not even for a split of a second, she thought i would ask her to marry me.</p><p>        so this hit her like a fucking train. that's why she's taking so long in processing things.</p><p>        —i was gonna ask you to marry me —i admit, her eyes widening a little bit as the look on her face goes from scared to absolutely terrified—. i wanted to make you my wife —i add, looking down at ground.</p><p>        she rests her elbows on her knees before burying her head on her hands.</p><p>        —what would you have said? —i suddenly ask after a few moments of complete silence.</p><p>        —what?</p><p>        —if we hadn't broken up and i had proposed to you, what would you have said? —i repeat my question and she just stays quiet.</p><p>        —Calum, i- —she starts, but cuts herself off.</p><p>        as every single second that passes by, i feel my heart break a little more, knowing that if she knew perfectly fine that she would have said yes, she would've already said something.</p><p>        —what would you have said, Ray?</p><p>        —i don't know.</p><p>        —what would you have said?</p><p>        —i don't know.</p><p>        —bullshit. what would you have said?</p><p>        —i don't know!</p><p>        —what would you have said?!</p><p>        —i would have said no! —she yells, my heart sinking as soon as she says that sentence.</p><p>        wow.</p><p>        that did hit me like a fucking train.</p><p>        i stare at her, my eyes watery and she just stays quiet, not knowing what to say probably. i feel a single tear run down my face as i stare at her, completely frozen.</p><p>        the room is dead silent, none of us daring to say a word. her head is buried in her hands as she sits on the edge of the bed and i stand there, in the middle of the room looking at her and the little box she has in hand with my heart shattering in millions of pieces in my chest.</p><p>        the seconds pass so slowly that it feels like an eternity until i finally say something.</p><p>        —oh.</p><p>        that's it. that's all i manage to let out after two minutes of standing there doing nothing. and feeling absolutely nothing.</p><p>        my brain is just not processing things right now and my heart is sinking in my chest and i wish i could just rip it right off, because it hurts.</p><p>        —Calum. please, that's not it. i- —she starts, but i shake my head, cutting her off.</p><p>        —don't. it's okay —i whisper, not having energy to talk louder—. it's okay.</p><p>        after that, i walk towards my suitcase to grab a t-shirt and my flip-flops. i turn around once again to walk out of the apartment to clear my head, but she grabs my wrist.</p><p>        —stay, please —she says and i shake my head.</p><p>        —i need to think. clear my head —i tell her softly and she nods, looking down.</p><p>        —okay —she simply whispers.</p><p>        —i love you —i breathe out. she looks up to meet my eyes and sends me a sad smile—. so much —i add—. i just wish you would've said yes. i would've loved to make you my wife —i whisper, caressing her cheek softly with my hand as i hold the door open with the other.</p><p>        —Cal...</p><p>        —it's okay —i say before she can even say anything—. i'm going for a walk now. i need to think. i'll see you later, baby. i love you.</p><p>        i leave a kiss on her forehead, holding her head by the back softly.</p><p>        —i love you too —she says, earning a small smile from me.</p><p>        i turn around and walk out, shutting the door behind me. i get out of the building to go to bar, needing to clear my head and think.</p><p>        i'm not mad at her. i can't be.</p><p>        i know she doesn't really picture herself married or anything, for a lot of different reasons, but i don't know... i thought she would've said yes, honestly.</p><p>        it hurt when she said the complete opposite.</p><p>        i thought she loved me enough.</p><p>        what am i saying? this is not about whether she loves me or not. she simply doesn't want to get married and i have to get over it. i need to stop acting like a little bitch about it.</p><p>        it's harder than it looks, though.</p><p>        i really wanna marry her.</p><p>        i enter the pub and sit down at the bar. i ask for some mouton cadet, like i always do when i need to think of Reagan. i don't need much help in that, though. she's the only thing in my mind. she consumes my thoughts the twenty-four hours of the day. i have every single second we spent together tattooed on my brain and all our memories keep repeating over and over again.</p><p>        i simply cannot get her out of my fucking head.</p><p>        the thing is that i just like to drink this wine when i have to figure out something about her.</p><p>        i bring my hand to the collar of the t-shirt so that i can grab the little chain i've got hanging on my neck with a ring on it.</p><p>        the engagement ring that was meant for me.</p><p>        i grabbed it from the suitcase when i went for a t-shirt before walking out of the apartment.</p><p>        i look at it, not knowing that to think or do.</p><p>        fuck, i really want her to wear one of these.</p><p>        i want it so badly.</p><p>        but she doesn't.</p><p>        i let out a sigh once my phone starts vibrating on my pocket. it's Skylar calling. i frown, but i pick it up anyway.</p><p>        —hey —i say, taking a sip of my wine.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i need a favor —</em>she simply says from the other side of line, making me even more confused.</p><p>        —okay... what is it? —i ask unsure.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i won't talk it through phone. i'm in Paris. meet me at the Louvre in fifteen minutes.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>well hellooooooo</p><p>i read young and beautiful yesterday night and FUCK. i literally finished at 3am and i had to wake up at 6:45 but it's okay hehe. absolutely no regrets.</p><p>anyway.</p><p>i hope yall are staying safe!</p><p>thanks for reading, bitches.</p><p>— gemma :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. xi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i get to the museum immediately, too curious about what's going on to tell her i'm not coming.</p><p>        besides, going back to the apartment isn't the thing i wanna do most right now.</p><p>        —how are you in Paris? —i ask Skylar when she walks closer to me—. what's wrong? —i question when i see sadness in her eyes.</p><p>        —okay, uhm... my dad got sick —she starts, looking down at the ground and i just feel the urge to hug her.</p><p>        —is he okay? —i ask and she shakes her head, letting out a sob—. hey, hey, hey, come here. i've got you —i say, wrapping my arms around her to pull her in a hug.</p><p>        —he's dying, Cal. he's dying. the doctors already said that he has a tumor in the brain and that in less than a week he'll be gone —she explains, crying even harder on my chest.</p><p>        —i'm here for you, okay? for whatever you need —i tell her, running my hand up and down her back.</p><p>        —that's why i'm here —she continues, pulling away and wiping the few tears away—. he doesn't have much time left and he always wanted to go to Paris, so Michael, mom and i came here with him to kind of cross out some things on his bucket list —she explains and i nod.</p><p>        i still don't know how i fit into this.</p><p>        —what to do you need me to do? —i ask.</p><p>        at this point, i'm doing anything to help her.</p><p>        —remember when we sent the email, saying that we weren't getting married? —she asks and i nod—. well, he doesn't remember reading it and he asked me to change the wedding date to tomorrow —she explains, my jaw dropping to the ground.</p><p>        —Skylar, we can't get married tomorrow —i tell her and she shakes her head.</p><p>        —of course we're not gonna do that! we just want to do a little fake wedding. he's so happy right now and he was so happy that i was marrying you that none of us want to tell him no. that's why, you just gotta come one day to the church and someone who does not have the permission to officiate weddings will fake officiate it —she replies and i look down, not knowing what say—. you don't have to. i can tell my dad that you're in Sydney and you can't make it or something. i completely understand if you also need to talk about it with Reagan —she adds and i shake my head once again.</p><p>        —i'll do it —i simply say, a look of surprise plastered on her face.</p><p>        —really? you don't have to, honestly.</p><p>        —i'll do it. it's just a fake wedding and a short kiss. besides, i wanna make it up to you, so yeah, i will do that for you. —i say, earning a big smile from her.</p><p>        i'm sure Reagan will understand. besides, she knows how much i love her and how much it hurts to lose a father. so, i'll be honest with her, explain it to her how it's just pretending to be with Skylar for a day to make his dad happy and i will be all hers after that.</p><p>        i've always been all hers anyway.</p><p>        —thank you so much. it will only be Mike, mom, dad, i and a friend of Michael's that's gonna fake officiate the wedding. you just gotta put on a suit and pretend to be with me for half a day —she says and i nod.</p><p>        —okay, yeah. text me the details —i tell her and she nods—. and if you need a shoulder to cry on, i'm right here —i add.<br/>       <br/>        —thank you so much —she says and i shake my head, brushing it off.</p><p>        —always.</p><p>        —do you wanna go for a walk? —she asks and i nod.</p><p>        i don't really want to go back to the apartment yet. i know that Skylar probably needs my support right now, so i'm not gonna leave her alone.</p><p>        besides, i don't know what i'm gonna say when i go back to the apartment. i have absolutely nothing figured out.</p><p>        —i understand why you like it here. i've been here for a day and i love it —she says, earning a small smile from me.</p><p>        —i love this place. this is my home —i say.</p><p>        well, it's not that Paris itself is home; it's that Reagan is here and she's home.</p><p>        —how are you doing? —i ask her and she just shrugs.</p><p>        —honestly? i don't know —she whispers, not looking at me—. because i know he's hurting and as much as i want him to stay as long as possible, i know he doesn't. i know he's hurting. i know he just wants it all to just stop. and a part of me feels like i can't be mad or sad that he's leaving when that's what he wants. i feel like i'm being selfish for not wanting him to leave. i just don't know what i prefer, you know? i really want him to stay, but at the same time i don't. i don't want him to hurt and i feel so bad about both things. i feel bad for wanting him to stay when he wants to go and i feel bad if i say i want him to go. i just don't know what i should feel —she says, a couple of tears running down her face.</p><p>        —hey, hey. come here —i say, pulling her in a big hug.</p><p>        —how did you do it? —she asks, pulling away—. like, you lost a lot and-</p><p>        —if you think i could hold my shit together, you're wrong. i couldn't —i reply—. there is just no way of keeping it together. even less when you know it's gonna happen. you feel what you feel and whatever that you're feeling, is not wrong. in these situations, what you feel is what you feel. there isn't a protocol. we're human, we're different and we feel things.</p><p>        she lets out a sniff, wiping her tears away and nodding softly.</p><p>        —you're doing great, Sky. you are. you really are. and remember that you have me and you have your mom and Michael. you're gonna be okay.</p><p>        she wraps her arms around me, letting out soft sobs against my chest.</p><p>        —i'm gonna go back to the hotel. i wanna spend some time with him and my family. thank you again —she says, pulling away and wiping the couple of tears that are rolling down her cheeks.</p><p>        —call me if you need me, okay? —i say and she nods. she sends me a smile before turning around and walking away.</p><p>        i head to the apartment. when i get there, i see Reagan sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in hand. when the door closes shut, her head snaps towards me.</p><p>        —mouton cadet? —i ask, trying to crack a smile and she nods in response.</p><p>        —we need to talk —she says, my head immediately clouding with the worse scenarios ever.</p><p>        —oh, god. you're gonna break up with me.</p><p>        —what? no! i'm not gonna do that —she says, making me let out a sigh of relief as i sit down next to her.</p><p>        —what is it?</p><p>        —i would've said no three years ago —she starts slowly.</p><p>        —no need to remind me of it.</p><p>        —Cal, can you stop it, please? —she asks, dead serious.</p><p>        —sorry. go on.</p><p>        —three years ago i was so naïve. i was a little girl who had absolutely no idea of anything. i just knew that i loved you. that's it. i didn't know what i was looking for, where i was going. you were the only thing i knew —she continues, taking deep breaths in between sentences—. marriage was so out of the picture. as much as i wanted to keep you forever, i just couldn't fit being a wife in there. it just- it was so confusing because i was still figuring everything out.</p><p>        she pauses for a second, looking down at her lap.</p><p>        —but now. i'm more grown up, i have a place for myself in which i spend all year and i just travel during the summer. i have a stable job and i've found my place in the world —she says, stopping once again.</p><p>        —where are you going with this? —i ask and she lets out a trembling sigh.</p><p>        —three years ago i would've said no, but now, i would say yes.</p><p>        my lips part, my jaw about to fall off my face. that was the last thing i expected. i really thought she was going to tell me that she doesn't wanna get married and that i need to suck it up.</p><p>        but she didn't.</p><p>        and i cannot begin to explain how happy i am right now.</p><p>        i stare at her for a couple of seconds, trying to find a hint of doubt in her eyes, to see if she really means it.</p><p>        —then say yes —i blurt out, making her frown.</p><p>        —what?</p><p>        —say yes. right now —i tell her, a confused look across her face.</p><p>        —what?</p><p>        i reach for my chain and kneel down in front of her as she sits in the couch. she immediately leans back a little bit, really scared.</p><p>        —Calum, what the fuck are you doing? —she breathes out with wide eyes.</p><p>        —marry me.</p><p>        her eyes go even wider as she freezes completely.</p><p>        believe me that i've never been so terrified in my entire fucking life. waiting for her to say something is killing me.</p><p>        —what? —she blurts out, clearly not processing things.</p><p>        —make me the happiest man on earth and marry me —i tell her.</p><p>        —this is so rushed —she mumbles.</p><p>        —is that a yes or a no?</p><p>        —we just started this again.</p><p>        —is that a yes or a no?</p><p>        —you're insane, Cal.<br/>       <br/>        —still don't know if that's a yes or a no.</p><p>        —i'm gonna fuck it up.</p><p>        —okay. we will fuck it up, it will fall apart and we will pick up the pieces and try again —i tell her—. now marry me.</p><p>        she stares at me for a second and i know she's just fighting between her brain and her heart and i hope to god her brain loses. i can see it in her eyes how she's debating and then, they clear up. there's no confusion anymore. she decided.</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —what?</p><p>        —yes, i will marry you.</p><p>        as soon as those words leave her mouth, i can officially say that i've never been this happy. in my entire life i've never experienced this feeling of being able to do anything.</p><p>        —hey, hey, hey, are you okay? —i ask with a laugh when the ring is on her finger and i see her about to cry.</p><p>        —i'm so overwhelmed right now. i'm not processing things —she says and i immediately pull her in my lap to give her a hug—. you proposed to me.</p><p>        —yes, i did.</p><p>        —and i said yes.</p><p>        —yes, you did. that's why there's a ring on your finger —i say and she nods in response against my shoulder.</p><p>        —okay, good job, Ray, your decision was the good one —she says to herself, making me laugh as i pull away from the hug—. i'm gonna marry you.</p><p>        —yup.</p><p>        —we're gonna have a wedding.</p><p>        —that's the plan, yeah.</p><p>        then, a big smile grows across her face. the biggest one i've seen on her and she even bites her bottom lip trying not to grin wider.</p><p>        —i love you so fucking much —she whispers and before i can even say it back, she grabs me by the back of my neck and presses her lips on mine.</p><p>        i lean forward, making her lay down with her back against the floor. i put myself over her, sneaking my arms around her waist as i connect our lips together.</p><p>        —wanna do something special to celebrate? —i tell her, not meaning it in a dirty way.</p><p>        we fuck every day, so maybe today we could do a nice dinner or something more romantic than just having sex.</p><p>        i wanna do something that we do not do that often.</p><p>        —sure.</p><p>        —do you wanna cook something for dinner? —i suggest, her face lighting up with an idea.</p><p>        —i got just the thing! —she jumps, climbing off my lap and standing up.</p><p>        i smile when i see the ring on her finger and i just watch her walk into the kitchen. i also stand up with the biggest grin plastered on my face and i follow her suit.</p><p>        —what we're gonna do is cook one of my favorite foods of all time.</p><p>        —let's do it, then.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. xii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i open my eyes slowly, that morning light entering through the window and the breeze filling the apartment, just like every other morning.</p><p>        i smile.</p><p>        i see Reagan in the kitchen, cooking something and i smile even wider as i admire her.</p><p>        my fiancé.</p><p>        god, i smile just at the thought of it. i put a ring on her finger.</p><p>        i won in life.</p><p>        this is the best day ever and it just started.</p><p>        i feel like i can get through anything that comes my way if i have her. we can make it work. i'm so sure of it. i want this too much not to make it work. i don't know when the wedding is gonna be, but i don't care. i know our marriage is gonna be amazing.</p><p>        i'm not gonna ask for kids, though. i don't want them. not now, at least. and if at some point i do, i'm genuinely scared of what Ray will say.</p><p>        we want forever together, that's why marrying each other wasn't that hard for her to be able to process. in the end, if she believe in us, there's nothing really insane about getting married.</p><p>        but kids?</p><p>        that's different.</p><p>        that is so different.</p><p>        right now, if she feels stuck in one place, we pack bags and go to another place. i'll follow her. wherever she goes.</p><p>        but with kids?</p><p>        if she feels stuck she can't just leave them or make them move with her whenever she gets tired.</p><p>        i don't think she will ever want kids. i don't know if i will want them and that's something that worries me a lot. kids are a big thing and there's no going back from that.</p><p>        we'll see what happens in the future.</p><p>        i roll off bed and put on some sweatpants so that i'm wearing something other than boxers. i walk into the kitchen to see her making chocolate chips cookies.</p><p>        —good morning soon to me mrs. Hood —i say, wrapping my arms around her from behind.</p><p>        i leave kisses down the side of her neck and she tilts it to the other side slightly as she keeps doing her thing.</p><p>        —good morning. how did you sleep? —she softly asks, continuing to do the best cookies in the world.</p><p>        she has done them a couple of times before and let me tell you that ever since then, pancakes had stopped being my favorite food.</p><p>        everything she does becomes my new favorite thing.</p><p>        —you're in a good mood, i see —she playfully says when a smile spreads across my face.</p><p>        —i'm extremely happy today —i mumble, leaving a kiss on her collarbones softly.</p><p>        i'm so in love with her. i didn't actually think i could love someone this fucking much.</p><p>        —i'm glad —she sweetly says, leaving a kiss on my lips as she walks away to turn on the oven. she puts the oven tray inside and closes it.</p><p>        —okay, now that you're done with that... —i start, lifting her up by the waist to sit her above the kitchen counter. —you can give me some attention —i pout like a child, earning an eye roll from her.</p><p>        —you're so dramatic —she mumbles before pulling me closer to her by the neck to press her lips on mine with all the love she has. he tangles her fingers in my hair in the back of my head, causing me to smile softly as i pull away for a second.</p><p>        —i love you.</p><p>        i know i've told her that countless times, but i just don't want her to think in any moment, not even for a split of a second, that i am not madly in love with her. i don't even want her to doubt me or my love for her, which is unconditional.</p><p>        i love how after thousands of times of hearing those three words slip right out of my mouth, she still smiles just as big as she did the first time.</p><p>        —i love you too.</p><p>        she leaves a quick kiss on my lips before jumping off the counter, making me frown. she walk towards the living room to grab my guitar and notebook, bringing them to me afterwards.</p><p>        —can you play something? —she asks and i immediately nod, knowing that i would do anything she asked me to.</p><p>        —okay, one about my unconditional love for you or about how broken i was? —i ask and she moves her lips, thinking.</p><p>        —both combined? —she asks unsure and i nod response.</p><p>        —i've got just the song.</p><p>        i jump on the counter, putting the guitar in my lap and she sits beside me.</p><p>        —what is it called?</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>still</em><em>.</em></p><p>
  <b>
    <em>a/n: this song is still by niall horan btw. a masterpiece. *chef kiss*</em>
  </b>
</p><p>        we don't say anything else, i just start strumming the guitar as she holds the notebook in front of me in case i forget the lyrics.</p><p>        this one is one of my favorites so i remember it pretty well, but just in case.</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>my mind is complicated,</em><br/><em>find it hard to rearrange it,</em><br/><em>but i'll have to find a way somehow.</em><br/><em>overreacting lately,</em><br/><em>find it hard to say i'm sorry,</em><br/><em>but i'll make it up to you somehow.</em><br/><em>and i just don't know why</em><br/><em>the stars won't shine at night."</em></p><p>        i can see it in her eyes how she knows perfectly fine that it's about when we started fighting a lot over small things. i think we did that because it distracted us from having the big fight. we simply wanted different things. i wanted consistency and she couldn't give me that. we fought over stupid things because we thought we could fix those, unlike we could fix what was actually going unsaid.</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>tell me you want it,</em><br/><em>a thousand miles away from the day that we started,</em><br/><em>but i'm standing here with you just tryna be honest.</em><br/><em>if honesty means telling you the truth,</em><br/><em>well, i'm still in love with you."</em></p><p>        we both knew what was going on and it was so hard to deny it. we just knew that it was gonna end and we almost never said <em>i love you </em>to each other at some point. it was that feeling of <em>what if the other doesn't feel the same anymore?</em> there were so many things going on unsaid and so many unfinished conversations and so many sprawled feelings, that we couldn't get it together.</p><p>        <em>"did i miscalculate this?</em><br/><em>let's just go back to basics,</em><br/><em>forget about what's come and gone.</em><br/><em>'cause i hate to see us like this,</em><br/><em>breaking up on nights just like this.</em><br/><em>we should be shooting for them stars of gold."</em></p><p>        i continue singing, almost about to cry as i recall all those pointless fights that we had. we were simply right person, wrong time, but we wanted us to be right person, right time, so badly that we simply refused to let go.</p><p>        doesn't matter how much you love someone. you need timing.</p><p>        and timing is a bitch.</p><p>        i finish the song and she immediately grabs the guitar and puts it in the floor. i frown at how rushed she is, but then, she pulls me in a tight hug, letting out a sniff.</p><p>        —hey, what is it? —i softly ask and she looks up at my watery eyes.</p><p>        —i'm sorry —she whispers, confusing me a lot.</p><p>        —what are you talking about?</p><p>        —i'm sorry for not giving you the consistency that you needed —she says and i shake my head, cupping her face softly.</p><p>        —it's not your fault. at all. besides, you can now and i hope i can give you everything you need.</p><p>        —you're everything i need —she mumbles before kissing me in the lips once again.</p><p>        —i'm gonna put away the guitar —i say, jumping off the counter.</p><p>        i leave a kiss on her forehead and grab the guitar and notebook before walking into the living room.</p><p>        —Cal —i hear Reagan whisper as i put the guitar down in the floor.</p><p>        —what is it? —i ask softly and she gives me a scared look. —hey, baby, what is it?</p><p>        —did you tell Reagan yet? i don't want her to get hurt or anything —she reads with my phone in hand as she looks at my notifications.</p><p>        fuck.</p><p>        —Calum, you know i trust you with my life and i did not mean to look at your phone, it started buzzing —she continues as i walk towards her.</p><p>        —Ray- —i start, getting closer to her and she takes a step back, causing me to stop talking.</p><p>        i cannot tell you how much that step back hurt.</p><p>        —Ray... —i whisper, my words not even audible.</p><p>        —what's going on? and i want the truth —she commands, her voice trembling slightly.</p><p>        it hurts how she thinks i would tell her something other than that.</p><p>        —why is Skylar talking about me?</p><p>        before i can even reply, my phone buzzes again, causing her to look down at my phone. i see how her heart breaks at whatever that message says, making mine sink in my chest.</p><p>        —wedding? —she whispers, making me look down.</p><p>        —it's not what you think —i start and before i can even tell her more, a tear starts rolling down her cheek.</p><p>        i caused that.</p><p>        i hurt her.</p><p>        —i thought- i- what- are you- i thought i was the one marrying you —she chokes out and i try to walk closer to her, but she takes another step back.</p><p>        my heart is sinking like the fucking titanic right now.</p><p>        —you are. i want you. only you. it's not what it looks like —i say and she looks at me with a broken expression.</p><p>        —what is it then?</p><p>        —look, her dad got sick and he's gonna die soon. he had a bucket list and one of the things was coming to Paris, so Michael, Skylar and their parents are here now —i start, trying to walk closer to her, and this time she lets me.</p><p>        thank god.</p><p>        —he doesn't remember that Skylar and i are no longer getting married and since he was really excited about it, Skylar asked me to fake marry her.</p><p>        her jaw drops, finding it insane.</p><p>        —and you think i'm gonna believe that? —she says, making me frown.</p><p>        —i'm telling the truth, Ray. i would never tell you something other than that and you know that —i say and i see her face softens as she looks down at her feet.</p><p>        —okay.</p><p>        —okay?</p><p>        —i believe you. i guess you said no, right? —she says and i shake my head. —you're gonna do it?</p><p>        —well, yeah... —i trail off, not expecting her to say that. —it's less than one day. i'm just doing her a favor. she's losing her dad and we want him to die as happy as possible —i explain and she only blinks a couple of times, perplexed. —it's just saying <em>i do </em>and some shitty vows-</p><p>        —that's what you should say to me —she whispers, looking at me with watery eyes.</p><p>        —but with you i'm gonna mean it —i tell her and her glance drops to the floor.</p><p>        —did you think i would be okay with it? —she asks and i nod in response, making her frown.</p><p>        —yeah, i thought you would be more understanding.</p><p>        <em>you're really fucking dumb, aren't you?</em></p><p>        her expression immediately goes from sad to mad and she lets out a soft gasp.</p><p>        —excuse me?</p><p>        <em>shut up, bro. just shut up.</em><br/>       <br/>        —i thought you would understand since you know what it's like to lose a father.</p><p>        <em>oh my-</em></p><p>        she freezes at this, making me know that i fucked up big time.</p><p>        —get out —she commands, her voice trembling.</p><p>        —baby, wait. i-</p><p>        —i said, get out. get the fuck out before i kill you —she repeats and i shake my head, my eyes on the verge of tears.</p><p>        —please, you need to unders- —i can't even finish, because she explodes.</p><p>        —i've been so fucking understanding, Cal! —she yells, as if she couldn't handle it in anymore. —the whole fucking time and don't you dare deny it!</p><p>        i look down at this.</p><p>        —you call me and the first thing you say is that you're getting married and that you want me to come! who the fuck does that!? it was the first time in three fucking years that we talked and you tell me that you're getting married! do you know how crushed i was? do you genuinely think that that's what i wanted to hear from who i thought was the love of my life? —she continues, letting out all that's been running around her head.</p><p>        she pauses for a second, hot tears running down her face.</p><p>        —then, you came to Paris with me and three days before you actually had to leave, you told me you needed to go because talking to her was something you needed to do face to face —she continues, picking up where she left off. —i understood, even though i thought you should've never gotten engaged if you didn't love her, but i told you to go and do things right.</p><p>        she pauses again.</p><p>        —you stayed there for longer than expected. i understood. i didn't know how many things you needed to fix, so i waited. you also ignored my messages and calls during those days. i understood. i didn't get mad at you.</p><p>        this is making me realize that Skylar wasn't the only one i was hurting. Reagan also had to go through that. i left her in Paris for three days and ignored her texts while i was with my ex-fiancé.</p><p>        i'm an idiot.</p><p>        —you tell me that you're friends with your ex-fiancé. i fucking understand. not everyone does —she finishes and we stay quiet.</p><p>        the room is dead silent and we just stare at each other until she speaks up.</p><p>        —i've been understanding, but you can't expect me to let you go and just fake marry or whatever your ex-fiancé a day after you proposed to me —she whispers. —i trust you with my life and you know that, but you're taking advantage of that trust and i don't like it.</p><p>        —i have to do it, Ray —i blurt out and i see how her heart drops.</p><p>        —fine. go. i don't care. just don't bother on coming back.</p><p>        my eyes widen at that, but i can tell how she's dead serious.</p><p>        —you can't do that —i whisper and she nods.</p><p>        —i can. i don't wanna spend the rest of my life knowing that whenever she calls, you will go and do whatever she asks you to because you feel guilty.</p><p>        —what are you talking about? —i snap, now getting slightly upset at whatever that her statement means.</p><p>        —look at me and tell me that you're not doing this because you feel guilty about cheating on her —she says, my lips parting when i realize that she's right. —i know you and i know you will never stop feeling guilty, so no, i'm not gonna marry you knowing that you'll leave any time she calls. i refuse to.</p><p>        —as if it's my fault. you're the one who kissed me first —i scoff and she frowns, clearly mad.</p><p>        <em>you really need to shut the fuck up.</em></p><p>        —excuse me? i kissed you after you confessed your love for me! after you came to Paris with me saying that Skylar was out for work! after i reminded you that you had a fiancé! you put yourself into this whole mess and i ain't taking credit for any of it! you did this all by yourself. you called me first and you came with me to Paris! i never told you to do neither one of those things. it's your fault and i'm not taking the blame for any of it! —she says, scoffing the last sentence.</p><p>        —but you knew i had a fiancé and you kissed me anyway! —i argue back.</p><p>        —and you knew you had a fiancé and you told me you loved me anyway! —she shoots back. —i wasn't the one engaged, i wasn't the one following the other to Paris while my fiancé was out for work! i wasn't the one calling the other! it's <em>your</em> fault! you cheating is not on me and we both know you don't regret it!</p><p>        that leaves me speechless, knowing that i don't have any arguments. i didn't have any in the beginning either, though.</p><p>        —that's what makes you feel so guilty. you would do it all over again.</p><p>        she pauses for a second, looking at me straight in the eyes.</p><p>        —look, i hate to do this, but i don't want a future with you while you would still do anything for your ex-fiancé without caring about how i feel and how it affects me. so choose. me or her?</p><p>        i see how scared she is as soon as she says the last sentence.</p><p>        i start debating in my head, making her eyes watery as her lips part.</p><p>        —you're genuinely thinking about it —she chokes out, her voice trembling and about to break at any second. —you're thinking about leaving me?</p><p>        i can feel her heart breaking and tears start to run down her face.</p><p>        —i gotta do it, Ray —i whisper and she lets out a whimper, as if someone just punched her right on her stomach, my heart shattering in my chest.</p><p>        it's so hard to look at her, because she has her glance glued on me, but i force myself to raise my head. she seems so broken; her bottom lip is trembling and i can tell how she's trying to hold back the tears as hard as she can, even though they're falling down her cheeks.</p><p>        —what did i do wrong? —she whispers, my head snapping towards her.</p><p>        —nothing.</p><p>        —bullshit. you chose her, not me, so tell me, what did i do wrong? i'm sorry. i just- i thought- i'm sorry. i'm sorry i couldn't make you stay. i'm sorry i'm not better. i'm sorry i'm not enough. i did all i could, i promise. i gave you everything and i thought i was doing good. i thought i was finally enough. i thought you were the one. i wanted you to be the one who stayed, but everyone leaves me. i was dumb to think otherwise —she says.</p><p>        at this point she's full on crying and he's choking out every single word. i see how her world is crumbling down and i hate it.</p><p>        i hurt her.</p><p>        but i just need to it. i need to help Skylar.</p><p>        <em>are you seriously gonna give Reagan up because you feel guilty?</em> <em>the poor girl is literally blaming herself.</em></p><p>        <em>you broke her.</em></p><p>        —don't leave me. please. i'll be better. i'll change. i don't know, but i can't lose you. you're what's keeping me alive —she says, letting out sobs—. i love you. i've loved you since day one. i'm sorry i couldn't keep you forever like i wanted.</p><p>        she wipes her tears away from her bright red cheeks, even though a second later more tears roll down her beautiful face.</p><p>        she stands up as she picks herself up, building up walls around her.</p><p>        —go. walk out of that door and never come back. run back to her. i don't care —she finishes and takes her ring off before walking closer to me. she takes my hand and opens it flat before putting the ring above and closing my hand into a fist.</p><p>        and then, she walks towards the front door to hold it open for me.</p><p>        —marry her. i don't even care if it's not fake anymore.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. xiii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        as soon as she shuts the door behind her, tears start to run down my face.</p><p>        i walk out of the building to just walk around the city. i don't know where the fuck i'm going; i'm just following my feet.</p><p>        of course, they had to lead me somewhere in particular.</p><p>        the eiffel tower.</p><p>        the first thing i visited with Reagan once we arrived to Paris the first time.</p><p>        <em>—finally! —she says excitedly once we get to the top.</em></p><p>        <em>we lean </em><em>against</em><em> the railing to watch the amazing views of Paris that we have in front of us.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>it's so beautiful —she breathes out and i nod, not even caring about the city.</em></p><p>        <em>she's my favorite view.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>you are beautiful —i say, looking at her like she puts the stars in the sky.</em></p><p>        <em>she turns her head to look at me and smiles as she bites her bottom lip.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>that's so </em><em>cliché</em><em>. —she points out playfully and i nod.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i don't care. it may be really </em><em>cliché</em><em>, but you're still </em><em>beautiful —i whisper back and she just looks down, getting all shy.</em></p><p>        <em>she doesn't know what to say, so she just takes a step closer to me so that our chests are touching. her arms wrap around my neck, making mine go to her waist as a reflex.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>you're beautiful too, Cal —she says before slowly leaning in. i look into her eyes one last time before closing mine as our lips connect.</em></p><p>        <em>she tugs the hair in the back of my neck with her fingers softly. i deepen the kiss, finding it too slow and she gladly opens her mouth widely, which i take as a cue to slip in my tongue.</em></p><p>        <em>i lean her backwards and i grab her by the back, keeping her from falling. i pull away a little and i send her a big smile that she returns.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i love you.</em></p><p>        <em>i know she means them and i'm the happiest guy on earth because of it.</em></p><p>        <em>—</em><em>i love you too. so fucking much.</em></p><p>        <em>it's almost 11 p.m. and there's a full moon and a lot of stars visible in the sky. it's all so dark that you can even confuse the street lights by stars even.</em></p><p>        <em>she looks up for a second, still with her arms around my neck. she admires the sky, while i just admire her. i love how the soft moonlight hits her skin and how her eyes crinkle as she looks up.</em></p><p>        <em>i grab her cheek for one second, making her look back at me and under that summer night, at the top of eiffel tower, i proceed to kiss her with all the love i can possibly give.</em></p><p>        i feel the tears starting to run down my cheek as i look at the top. i can perfectly picture the two of us there, laughing and kissing and just having the time of our life without even knowing it.</p><p>        now i laugh at how naïve i was. we loved each other's fire too much and we got too consumed by each other's light that we kept getting closer without knowing that we would get burned.</p><p>        and we did.</p><p>        but the thing is that there's a quote that i personally love that says: <em>"if it doesn't set your fucking soul on fire, then it's not worth the burn."</em></p><p>        she sets my soul on fire.</p><p>        that's why i did not give a fuck. i was willing to burn out just to have her.</p><p>        i turn around and walk away, not being able to keep looking at the eiffel tower. i just take my phone out of my back pocket.</p><p>        <em>—hey, mate —</em>Michael says from the other side of the line.</p><p>        —can i come to your hotel room, please? i really need a friend right now —i tell him with an exhausted face.</p><p>        <em>—</em><em>sure, dude. </em><em>i'll</em><em> send you the address and the number —</em>he replies and i mumble a quick <em>bye </em>before hanging up.</p><p>        a couple of seconds later, i receive the address and i grab a cab, since it's on the other side of the city. i give the money to the driver before walking out. i enter the building and walk up the stairs to the last floor. i'm crying right now, so i'm not in the mood to take the elevator and win a lot of weird looks from people. and i hate the elevator music that always plays in the background to make the uncomfortable moment less tense.</p><p>        i knock on the door and wait for it to fly open. a couple of seconds later, Michael is standing on the other side of the door with a frown.</p><p>        my eyes are puffy from all the crying and he just pulls me in a hug without even asking what happened.</p><p>        —i'm an idiot —i blurt out, tears running down my face and leaving Michael's t-shirt completely soaked.</p><p>        —hey, hey, it's okay. what happened?</p><p>        —i made the biggest mistake of my life —i say and even if he has no idea of what i'm talking about, he nods.</p><p>        he lets me in and instead of sitting in bed, i get out in the little balcony, resting my hands on the railing.</p><p>        —do you... have any? —i ask him and he gives me a warning look—. please.</p><p>        —fine. just one —he says before entering his room again.</p><p>        a couple of seconds later, he hands me a cigarette and a lighter.</p><p>        —thanks —i mumble, lighting up the cigarette before bringing it to my lips.</p><p>        i don't smoke much. i never do. it calms me down sometimes, so i do it in extreme occasions. i've smoked probably four times in my entire life. for some reason i'm one of those persons who doesn't get addicted to it.</p><p>        —walk me through it, please —he asks and i nod, picking myself up.</p><p>        —so, i proposed to Ray —i start, his eyebrows raising in surprise as he turns his head to one side to look at me.</p><p>        —what did she say?</p><p>        —she said yes.</p><p>        i can tell how he still needs a lot of information to put the puzzle together, so i just take a deep breath and continue.</p><p>        —today, she found out about me fake marrying Skylar. she did not like it. we fought. we fought a lot and i said things i shouldn't have and i just fucked up really bad. she made me choose and she had every right to make me do that. it was her or Skylar —i continue and he gives me a warning look.</p><p>        we've never fought like this. never. before we broke up they were small arguments, but we never had a big one. at this point i don't know if it's a big fight or i simply lost her.</p><p>        for real.</p><p>        —tell me you weren't that big of an idiot to choose Skylar —he says and i just stare at him with watery eyes—. dude, you let the love of your life go?</p><p>        i just nod and show him the little ring i have in the palm of my hand.</p><p>        —why?</p><p>        —guilt.</p><p>        that's all i manage to let out, because i'm too busy crying and wanting to rip my heart out.</p><p>        i bring the cigarette to my lips once again as a tear runs down my face, not being able to hold it back.</p><p>        while i was fighting with Ray, i just turned myself off. i made myself feel absolutely nothing, because i knew i was gonna choose her if i didn't. and i couldn't do that. i need to help Skylar.</p><p>        —you're forgiven, Cal. we know you're not a bad person a-</p><p>        —it's not that —i breathe out, cutting him off and he just frowns—. i got cheated on and my family was dying. all at once. i cheated on her and a week later, her dad is dying.</p><p>        his eyes soften, now starting to understand.</p><p>        —i've spent my whole life hating on my ex-girlfriend for leaving me. i've blamed her for my misery and i thought she was the worst person in the entire world. i hated her so much. you have no idea. and now i'm doing the same.</p><p>        i stop for a second, bringing the cigarette to my mouth once again before letting all the toxic steam out.</p><p>        —i can't be like the person that i've spent my whole life hating. i can't live with that. i can't take back me cheating on her, but i can be there for her. i just really do not want to hate myself that much —i explain, letting out a sniff at the end.</p><p>        that's why i shut myself off. i knew i would choose Reagan. i always will. i wouldn't think it twice. not even for a split of second. she's my top priority. always. but i knew that i couldn't just let myself love her. i would've hated myself so much after that.</p><p>        the only thing i can do now is hope to god she will take me back.</p><p>        i lost her once. i don't think i can do it again. not when i was about to win in life. i was about to make it all worth it.</p><p>        i want her to be my wife. forever.</p><p>        —why haven't you told her that?</p><p>        —i didn't know how to —i truthfully reply.</p><p>        —Calum, there's something you need to understand —Michael says, standing straight before continuing—. you're not the same as your ex-girlfriend. you will never be. you have a heart of gold. we-</p><p>        —that's not true. i don't. i don't deserve all the love and appreciation i receive. at all.</p><p>        —stop torturing yourself. it's not the same. by far. she was a total bitch. you're not. you're a good person. you're trying to make things right, but you're taking it too far, to a point where you're hurting yourself and the person you love most in this world —he says causing me to look down, not knowing what to reply to that—. no one is perfect Calum. no one. you will always do things you will regret for the rest of your life, but you need to learn how live with guilt. you can't make up for all of your mistakes. you can't. all you can do is learn from them, carry on and be better. you got cheated on and you did that too. feel guilty and learn to live with it. suck it up, dude. what you can't do is try to make up for it while hurting who's keeping you alive in the process. if you love her, you'll learn how to live with that guilt.</p><p>        when i tell you that all of what he said just hit me like a freaking bus.</p><p>        —sacrifice. that's what we do for the ones we love. she sacrificed for you. i think it's your turn to do the same —he says, making me frown.</p><p>        —what do you mean?</p><p>        —didn't you say that three years ago, before you left, she couldn't settle down? —he asks and i nod in response—. and now she can, can't she?</p><p>        and then, realization hits me.</p><p>        —she learned how to settle down because that's what <em>you</em> wanted. she sacrificed because she wanted you. and she did it once you left. she had no idea if you'd come back, but she did it anyway just in case that you did. now you need to learn how to live with that guilt to not hurt her, or yourself. stop torturing yourself for both of your sakes.</p><p>        wow.</p><p>        Michael's on wise mode today, i see.</p><p>        the dude's a philosopher.</p><p>        —i lost her, dude. i really lost her —i choke out, my heart shattering just as the thought of losing her all over again when i just got her back.</p><p>        —no, you didn't. you're just an idiot who's still crying in a fucking hotel room instead of getting back the girl —he says, my head turning to one side to look at him.</p><p>        —she won't take me back —i whisper and he shakes his head.</p><p>        —that's where you're wrong. she will. don't you want her back in your arms as soon as possible? didn't you want it to work so badly? well, i think this is the perfect time to prove it.</p><p>        i have absolutely no arguments to take his down. he's right.</p><p>        —it's like you like feeling miserable —he scoffs, my head snapping towards him with a frown—. do you love her?</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —do you want her back?</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —do you think she's the one?</p><p>        —yes.</p><p>        —then, what the hell are you doing here?</p><p>        he stares at me for a long while, before grabbing the cigarette i have in between my fingers.</p><p>        —go get the girl before she slips right through your fingers. i'll tell Skylar to give dad an excuse.</p><p>        —yeah, about that. how are you doing? —i ask, feeling really selfish that we've talking about my relationship problems when his dad is literally dying.</p><p>        —not good —he simply replies—. at least we will get to say goodbye and i know that once he's gone, he'll be happier because it won't hurt.</p><p>        —if you need moral support, just call me, okay? i'm here for you —i tell him and he nods, sending me a sad smile.</p><p>        —thanks, bud —he says and i give him a big hug—. now, go. the love of your life is waiting.</p><p>        i nod before rushing out of the hotel room. i grab a cab and fifteen minutes later, i hand the money to the driver before getting out of the vehicle.</p><p>        i take the key of the apartment out of my back pocket and hesitating a little bit, i put it in the lock and twist it so that the door opens. i shut it behind me, making Reagan know that i'm here.</p><p>        i enter the kitchen and see her there, sitting in the floor, knees against her chest as she rests her back on the counter. her head is buried on her knees and i can barely see her face, the blanket covering her being the reason behind it.</p><p>        she slowly raises her head and looks at me with a blank face.</p><p>        —leave. now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. xiv</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        —leave. now —she whispers, eyes puffy from all the crying.</p><p>        i walk towards the couch to grab the guitar and head to the kitchen once more. i hang it over my shoulder, not taking my eyes off her.</p><p>        she's still sitting on the floor, looking at me with a cold stare.</p><p>        i don't say anything, i just start playing.</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>a/n: this song is pictures by ed </em>
  </b>
  <b>
    <em>prosek</em>
  </b>
  <b>
    <em> :))</em>
  </b>
</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>oh my lover can't believe we've come this far</em><br/><em>and i still wake up every morning in your arms</em><br/><em>and i don't say it nearly enough</em><br/><em>but you just don't know how beautiful you are."</em></p><p>
  <em>        "and you know me better than i know myself,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>and when i fall apart you're always there to pick me up,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>and it hurts yea way too often when i'm sorry and i can't thank you enough."</em>
</p><p>        i start singing, her face still emotionless, so i keep going, hoping to god it will soften at some point.</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>and i painted this picture in my head of us,</em><br/><em>and i'll never, oh never let it go.</em><br/><em>and all of my, all of my fears have turned to dust.</em><br/><em>i guess, dark headlight.</em><br/><em>you now i'd never make it on my own.</em><br/><em>i'd never make it on my own."</em></p><p>
  <em>        "and my head it had the chance to take a breath,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>but i will love you till there's nothing left.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>but i hope that never comes.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>'cause there are so many things i haven't said."</em>
</p><p>        i know this isn't a song to says sorry or something like that. i just want her to know that i love her. today, tomorrow and every day after that. and that even though i'm the biggest idiot in the world sometimes, she is the most important person in my life.</p><p>        i just do stupid shit sometimes.</p><p>        <em>"and i painted this picture in my head of us.</em><br/><em>and i'll never, oh never let it go,</em><br/><em>and all of my, all of my fears have turned to dust.</em><br/><em>i just thought i'd let you know that i</em><br/><em>painted this picture in my head of us.</em><br/><em>and </em><em>i'll</em><em> never, oh never let it go</em><em>."</em></p><p>        <em>"and all of my, oh all of my fears have turned to dust.</em><br/><em>i just thought i'd let you know</em><br/><em>i'd never make it on my own.</em><br/><em>i'd never make it on my own."</em></p><p>        i finish the song, knowing that i'm not good at normal words. i need to write it into lyrics. i can't articulate myself into words, even more on important occasions. in moments like this, i completely forget every single word in the English language.</p><p>        i let down the guitar before sitting on the floor in front of her, giving her space.</p><p>        we stay quiet, neither one of us knowing what to say. well, she probably does, but i know that she's waiting for me to speak up. i just can't say anything. millions of words are running around my head and for some reason i can't even put two of those together.</p><p>        —i'm an idiot —i blurt out, a frown on her face when she sees that i finally say something.</p><p>        —i completely agree with that.</p><p>        there's a long pause after that. it seems to last forever, but eventually, she speaks up.</p><p>        —i'm sorry —she whispers before i can even say something myself. her words are almost not audible, but i understand them perfectly, which makes me frown.</p><p>        —what the hell are you sorry for?</p><p>        —for not trying to understand —she replies and i shake my head in response.</p><p>        —Reagan, you've been so understanding with me. i was the selfish bastard —i tell her, making her nod.</p><p>        —yeah, you were. but that's not what i mean. i think i have every right to be upset that you literally didn't give a fuck about how i felt, but i also think that it makes sense why you wanted to help her.</p><p>        i frown, having no idea where she's going with this. at least, she's not blaming herself anymore, which is great, because i wouldn't know what to do to make her see that she did nothing wrong.</p><p>        —you did to her exactly what broke you in the past —she whispers, my jaw dropping at her statement—. you didn't want her to go through what you did. you didn't feel guilty about cheating on her, you just couldn't take the fact that you hurt her in the same way someone hurt you —she adds, making me fall in love with her all over again.</p><p>        she could've been mad at me. like she should've, actually. but instead she tried to understand. and she knows me so well that she figured it out herself.</p><p>        —that's why i love you.</p><p>        my head snaps upwards to lock eyes with her, not expecting her to say that.</p><p>        —how can you love me after what i did?</p><p>        —honestly? i have no idea. i guess that i know you too well not to try to find an explanation for doing what you did and i found one. it doesn't justify what you did, but at least, it explains it —she says and she scoots closer to me.</p><p>        i pick her up by the back of her thighs, putting her in my lap.</p><p>        —i'm an idiot for letting you go. i know that. believe me, i do. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and even though it may not seem like it, you're my number one priority. i love you. so fucking much it drives me crazy. i didn't know i was capable of loving someone this much until you came along. i probably do not deserve it, but will you give me another chance? —i ask with hopeful eyes and she nods—. really?</p><p>        —i can't stay mad at you. i would give you a million chances —she replies, a big smile growing across my face—. but, —she adds, making me scared—. please, don't take that for granted. don't take advantage of my trust. i have self-respect, Calum, and i will not let you use me, got that?</p><p>        —completely understood —i say and she nods—. also, —i start, taking her ring out of my pocket—. maybe, marry me?</p><p>        —i don't know, let me think about it —she playfully says, making me smile—. yeah, sure. why not?</p><p>        a grin makes its way to her face, though and i softly take her hand to put the ring on her finger.</p><p>        —i love you. so, so, so much —i whisper, brushing my lips against hers.</p><p>        —i love you too.</p><p>        i kiss away the couple of tears that are still on her cheek before pressing my lips on hers.</p><p>        —what's that smell? —she asks, pulling away with a frown on her face—. did you smoke?</p><p>        i just look down, making her shoulders drop.</p><p>        —it's not good for you, Calum. and i want you healthy, okay? so can you please not do it again? —she asks with worried eyes and i nod.</p><p>        i will do anything for her.</p><p>        —thank you —she breathes out before connecting our lips together.</p><p>        she starts the kiss slowly, probably still trying to get used to the smell of smoke. then i feel her hands on my neck, grabbing it softly to keep me from pulling away, thing that i wasn't planning on doing anyway.</p><p>        i rest my hands on her waist, holding her as close to me as i possibly can. then, she deepens the kiss, slipping her tongue in my mouth smoothly.</p><p>        i bring one hand to the back of her head, slowing down the kiss even more. she pulls away shortly after and wraps her arms around me to give me a tight hug.</p><p>        i can feel her breathing on my neck and her lips brushing against my skin. i breathe in against her neck, wanting to smell her scent that i love so much.</p><p>        —i promise you i'm not leaving again. ever —i whisper and she shakes her head, pulling away from the hug.</p><p>        —i don't want promises, Cal. i don't need words. i need actions. i trust you that you will not leave again, but you did it once anyway. i can't just not take that into account —she says, making me frown a little bit.</p><p>        —i thought you unders-</p><p>        —i do, Cal. that's why i'm not mad. you had a reason, but that just explains it. it does not justify it —she says, cutting me off, already knowing where i was going.</p><p>        —so, you don't trust me anymore? —i ask with a hurt look on my face.</p><p>        —i do trust you, but i can't deny that you did lose a little bit of it. you just have to gain it again —she replies and i nod, looking down.</p><p>        —what can i do?</p><p>        —you just gotta stay, like you always have. it's not that big of a deal. you're not losing me, okay? don't even think of that —she says, raising my chin up with two fingers.</p><p>        —i'm staying forever —i whisper, earning a small smile from her.</p><p>        —good. because i am too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>        i think that people underestimate the power of touch. and that doesn't necessarily have to be in a sexual way. a touch of the right person can immediately calm you down and make you forget what were you nervous about. i don't have nightmares because i'm close to her, because i'm touching her while i sleep, which gives me that peace of mind that i need.</p><p>        it also can be that hug or cuddle that you get from that person when you come home after a tough day at work and when you're in their arms, you feel safe and feel like that rough day was absolutely worth it because you see them at the end of the day.</p><p>        as well, it can be falling asleep with the love of your life by your side and knowing that the first thing you'll see when you wake up will be them. let's be honest, that's one of the best feelings in the world.</p><p>        that's why mornings are my favorite part of the day. they're reserved for Ray and i. no one else. it's just me and her, waking up, kissing, cooking, dancing...</p><p>        besides, she looks so beautiful in the morning. her messy hair that flutters a little bit when the breeze fills up the apartment, her sleepy voice, her eyes that seem hazel because of the light... oh, and how grumpy she is sometimes. i love it. and how she goes back to sleep, grabbing the opposite side of my chest, burying her head in the crook of my neck. and how she always says good morning before even opening her eyes. and how she always sends me a big smile, which is the best way to start my day.</p><p>        i just love everything about mornings.</p><p>        specially today's.</p><p>        i open my eyes and blink a couple of times before finally adjusting to the light. i look down to see Reagan's body snuggled against mine.</p><p>        her lips are slightly parted, breathing in and out softly as she sleeps. her hair is in a messy bun that's now almost undone.</p><p>        —enjoying the view? —she suddenly mumbles, a small smirk on her face.</p><p>        —very much —i reply.</p><p>        —good morning —she whispers, starting to open her eyes.</p><p>        she sends me a smile before bringing one hand to my cheek. i immediately feel the cold metal of the ring, which just makes me smile.</p><p>        —good morning —i say back before proceeding to kiss her.</p><p>        her lips are soft, like always, but especially today. i kiss her slowly, wanting to be as gentle as possible. she pulls away slightly, a big grin growing across her face.</p><p>        i flip us over a little bit so that i can wrap my other arm around her waist, placing myself above her.</p><p>        —nope. i'm on top today —she says, pushing me by the chest so that my back hits the mattress.</p><p>        —i love it when you're bossy —i say, earning a smile from her as she kisses my jawline. she makes her way down my collarbones and chest once she has done her artwork in my neck—. we just had sex. do you seriously wanna do it again? —i ask with a laugh and she unnataches her lips from my skin.</p><p>        —nah, i'm not in the mood. i just wanted to kiss you —she says, going all the way up to leave on peck on my lips.</p><p>        —noooooo, come back —i pout when she climbs off bed and puts on a bra after grabbing it from inside the closet.</p><p>        —i'm gonna make breakfast —she says before walking into the kitchen.</p><p>        she's wearing black underwear. <em>only </em>black underwear. she's wearing absolutely nothing except for my favorite underwear.</p><p>        as she walks i can't help but stare at her ass. what can i say? i love her booty. i'm not even gonna deny it.</p><p>        i rest my head on the pillow, looking at the ceiling as i smile like the biggest idiot in the world.</p><p>        i'm the luckiest guy alive.</p><p>        i roll off bed to see that she's making cookies. oh my god, yes. thank you to the gods above or whoever controls this shit. thank you. thank you.</p><p>        <em>thank you</em>.</p><p>        i wrap my arms around her waist from behind, swinging our hips from one side to the other slightly as i hum lowly. i start leaving kisses down her neck and shoulders, making her smile softly.</p><p>        —hey there —she says, licking her fingers to eat some of the cookie dough.</p><p>        —hey there, mrs. Hood —i mumble, kissing her neck softly. the biggest smile ever grows on my face when i say that. i can't help it.</p><p>        yeah, i married her. i finally married her yesterday. it was the best day of my entire life.</p><p>        i can't explain how i felt as she walked down the aisle, wearing that white dress. she looked so beautiful. there is not enough words to describe it. i know it sounds cheesy, but the butterflies in my stomach were having races in there, because that was wild. i felt like exploding of happiness right there.</p><p>        —i love the sound of that —she says and i nod, completely agreeing with her—. wait. that means i'm rich! —she laughs, earning a roll of eyes from me—. i can finally kill you and have all your money!</p><p>        —well, didn't that hurt —i joke and she laughs as she turns around in my arms so that she's facing me.</p><p>        —honestly, i do not give a fuck about the money. i would really like a mansion in Los Angeles, not gonna lie, but i prefer this. you, me and Paris. that's it. that's all i want in life. i won. i very much won. i don't need all the money that you have.</p><p>        she presses her lips on mine softly, my arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her as close as possible. she sends me a full smile before walking away to turn on the oven.</p><p>        she walks back towards the counter and starts grabbing small balls of cookie dough and putting them in a tray.</p><p>        —have i ever told you that i love your cookies? —i tell her as i sit above the counter.</p><p>        —only like every single time i make them —she replies with a laugh.</p><p>        i know i should probably help her, but i've done that before and believe me, i'm not a good chef. i'm useless in the kitchen and i know that if i do something, the cookies will end up being complete shit.</p><p>        —do you wanna sing something with me? —i say, walking inside the kitchen with the guitar in hand.</p><p>        —you're the talented one, Calum. i sing like absolute shit, so i'm just gonna let you sing by yourself —she laughs, placing the last ball of cookie dough on the tray.</p><p>        —you don't sing like shit —i reply and she looks at me in disbelief—. i'm not lying.</p><p>        —i may not sing like shit, but i seem like i do if i sing with you. do you know where i'm going? you sing like a fucking angel, so if i sing with you, i sound like a duck.</p><p>        i can't help but let out a laugh at that.</p><p>        —just speaking facts —she adds, standing on her tippy toes to leave a kiss on my lips.</p><p>        once the oven beeps, making us know that it arrived at its temperature, she puts the tray inside.</p><p>        i turn the bluetooth speakers on, connecting them to my phone. i open spotify and hit play to one of the best songs ever written.</p><p>        —really? —she asks in disbelief as <em>can't help falling in love </em>by <em>Elvis Presley </em>starts playing.</p><p>
  <em>
    <b>a/n: I REALLY RECOMMEND YOU TO LISTEN TO THE SONG WHILE READING!!!! it's so much better, i promise! you'll understand why at the end!</b>
  </em>
</p><p>        —yes. really —i tease back.</p><p>        she walks out of the kitchen and puts on my t-shirt that's resting above the bed before joining me in the living room.</p><p>        —can i have this dance? —i ask, stretching my hand out.</p><p>        she smiles at the ground before taking it softly. i pull her closer to me, holding her by the waist. her arms go around my neck as we softly dance.</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>wise men say</em><br/><em>only fools rush in</em><br/><em>but i can't help falling in love with you."</em></p><p>        i start singing, earning a big smile from her. i spin her around a couple of times before pulling her close to me once again. her hand brushing my cheek softly, looking at me with all the love in the world.</p><p>        i push her away, holding her with only one hand before pulling her in, her back against my chest. i kiss her collarbones softly, my arms around her waist from behind. she lets out a laugh, making me so fucking happy i can't even begin to explain it.</p><p>        her laugh is my favorite sound in the world.</p><p>        <em>"</em><em>shall i stay?</em><br/><em>would it be a sin</em><br/><em>if i can't help falling in love with you?"</em></p><p>        the song keeps playing and i just keep singing to her like she's the only thing in the entire world. we dance around the whole apartment. she laughs and i just fall in love with her all over again every single time she smiles.</p><p>        she jumps above the couch and leans forward a little bit. i catch her by the waist, keeping her from falling. she smiles widely, tugging softly on the hair in the back of my head. i pick her up, spinning around a couple of times before letting her down.</p><p>        <em>"like a river flows</em><br/><em>surely to the sea</em><br/><em>darling, so it goes</em><br/><em>some things are meant to be."</em></p><p>        i look straight into her eyes at that. she bites her bottom lip softly.</p><p>        i can't continue singing, because i feel her lips on mine. i kiss her with everything i have, not being able to express what i feel.</p><p>        i know it's so cheesy, but there is not enough words in the world to describe how i feel about her. she just has to smile to make me forget even how to put a sentence together.</p><p>
  
  <em>"take my hand,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>take my whole life too.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>for i can't help </em>
  <em>falling</em>
  <em> in love with you."</em>
</p><p>        the song plays in the background, but i don't sing; i just kiss her.</p><p>        if every day for the rest of my life is going to be like this, i can officially say that i'm the happiest man on the face of the earth. i have everything i've ever wanted. i'm in Paris and i'm listening to Elvis Presley while i dance around the apartment with the love of my life.</p><p>        i won.<br/>       <br/>        i absolutely won.</p><p>        —forever is gonna be so amazing —i whisper, looking down at her like the biggest idiot in the world.</p><p>        she sends me a big smile and i grab her by the back of the neck before pressing my lips on hers once again.</p><p>        <em>"like a river flows</em><br/><em>surely to the sea</em><br/><em>darling, so it goes</em><br/><em>some things are meant to be."</em></p><p>        i've made a lot of mistakes in my life. lots. i'm not perfect. at all. and even though i don't exactly understand how after all i've done she still loves me, she does. for some weird reason, she does.</p><p>        i have absolutely no idea if it was the universe who lead me to Reagan, to that little town in the middle of north carolina. or if it was pure luck.</p><p>        either way, i met her.</p><p>        <em>"take my hand,</em><br/><em>take my whole life, too.</em><br/><em>for i can't help falling in love with you."</em></p><p>        i believe that everyone needs a Reagan Anne Jones in their lives. she may be difficult to make stay at first, but she gives you so much more in return.</p><p>        i was lucky enough to have that. i was lucky enough to have a Reagan flip my world. because that's what she does; she flips worlds upside down, including mine, and god, i love it flipped over. i love it so much more this way.</p><p>        i kiss her one more time before pulling away. the song starts to come to an end and with that insane and probably embarrassing amount of love and adoration i have for her, i sing the last lyric, feeling like i'm about to explode of an excess of happiness.</p><p>        <em>"for i can't help falling in love with you."</em><br/></p><p>
  
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  <em>
    <b>
      <span class="u">THE END</span>
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